Members of parliament, ladies and gentlemen, I come before you today to present to you an idea that I wish to be considered at the present time of governmental upheaval. As I am sure you are all aware, the Australian government is “hung” at the moment – neither of the main political powers have secured the seventy-six required seats in the house of representatives to take over as Australia's governing party. This is where I propose to input my solution. In case you weren't aware, my name is Sara, and I am the head of Marketing Australia, and we have been employed by the government to come up with a way to resolve the conflict for power and end this constant waiting endured by the people of Australia.
After much thought from all across the company, we have come together to develop our plan, which we call “The People's Solution”. Instead of calling for another election, which would only tire the people and lead to further unnecessary waiting (excluding the obvious issue that the outcome would most likely be identical to the current one), or handing the power over to those inside the government to decide, which would inevitably incorporate elements of political bias and corruption, we envision to give the public power over the overall result, while still ensuring that there will be a clear outcome by the end of the campaign, and also exhibiting the powers and ideals of each prospective party in a practical and accessible way.It is well known that Australia is fast claiming it's stake at the title of “Fattest nation in the world”, due to an increase in portion sizes, fast food, and of course, the popularity of activities such as television and computers. It is practically the 'Australian way' to sit by the television at night watching Masterchef. Yet it has been noted by my researchers that current point in time, surrounding the election, prime time television is considered unsatisfactory by the vast majority of Australian viewers. Our solution aims to solve this problem simultaneously with the parliamentary battle, and focus groups have found that the public almost unanimously agrees that our solution is not only the most viable, but will also be the most entertaining and efficient,
7:30 at night will no longer be a time dreaded by fans of compelling viewing, for this is where or solution will find itself. Each night, a challenge will take place between the current Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, and leader of the coalition, Tony Abbott, and will be nationally broadcast on whichever free to air channel has the highest bid (which will be a huge economic benefit as well, as the bids should be astronomical considering the amount of extra viewers that will be tuning into their televisions per episode), as well as live streamed over the internet for those who prefer. Each night will draw inspiration from the most successful television shows of the past, and the growing trend in reality television specifically, and will exhibit policies and ensure that each of the candidates are accessible and relatable to the average Australian viewer. To make sure the concept doesn't “tire out” the nation, we will not air the show each night, but rather alternate – Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays will all feature an episode of this show, which will go down in the history books.
At the end of each night, the Australian public will be given the opportunity to vote for the candidate who they believe performed the best, and each night the votes will counted. Each episode will have a winner, and after a few weeks the wins will be counted and the candidate with the most overall votes will be named Australian Prime Minister. While the waiting aspect of this hung parliament situation will not be eradicated, it will be a much more enjoyable process and time will fly by far more quickly for those who become avid watchers – and I can ensure the channel that does take this on board that viewers will be in the millions, and revenue will be increased dramatically. Not only will the overall winner win the coveted position as Prime Minister, but also win the hearts of the nation in the process.
How, you ask, do we propose to juggle all of these vital aspects while also promising to demonstrate policies and ideas to the public? Each episode will be themed, and the candidates challenged to not only perform the best but also to incorporate and put in practice their ideas about all of the election hotspots – what does the party intend on doing about the growing issue of obesity, the environment, health, broadband, boat people...after the series has run its course, the largely ignorant public will be enlightened as to what exactly will happen when the winner begins their governing.
You may claim that this idea is good in theory, but wonder how effective it will be when implemented. Allow me to share a few preliminary examples of episodes that we have plotted out. Take, for example, the issue of obesity. Prime Ministerial candidates will be put into a Biggest Loser type scenario, but they will be given the role of trainers, forced to put their ideas into viable exercise and health plans, while sharing their policies with the country in side interviews. The candidate who Australia deems as the most successful in this area will be the winner of the night. The candidates will also be forced to cope with high stress situations, and become more and more comfortable with cameras being privy to their lives, which is essential if they intend on one day being in the highest position of power Australia can do.
How each government will handle indigenous affairs is something of a grey area at the moment, but in this show each candidate will be forced to convey these ideas to an audience and a panel of judges – through interpretive dance! So You Think You Can Dance has been a ratings smash not only in Australia but also in the United States of America, and this challenge would serve not only as quality entertainment, but would also be informative and enlightening to the viewer, and would give each Prime Ministerial candidate the chance to express themselves in a new, on-trend fashion that they would otherwise never look into.
Environmental issues have been largely avoided by the Prime Minster and leader of the opposition, with their focuses being steadily fixed on other areas. However, by leaving the competitors on a beautiful tropical island in the Pacific, and being forced to fend for themselves (in an environmentally friendly fashion, of course), and also to compete in challenges that would set the opponents face-to-face with the nature being directly affected by our carbon emissions and unethical practices, akin to the long running, smash hit show Survivor. This would also draw International attention the the Australian television industry as our last attempt at Survivor is seen by America to have brought shame on our country.
The competitors could show how knowledgeable they are about international affairs and trade links by creating dishes that represent a wide variety of countries Australia share close ties with, in order to create an internationally spanning meal to be judged by an experienced panel, and then again by the Australian public, as per the shock success, Masterchef. They will be challenged to demonstrate the benefits of their broadband plans by composing songs to be performed in front of large audiences and knowledgeable judges, bringing to mind the long running talent show Australian Idol. They will even be forced to show off their true character and social skills by being forced to live in a large room together alongside some of our most famous and infamous politicians, a la Big Brother, in which their true colours are almost definitely going to be exposed. The real real Julia Gillard may even be exposed.
As you can clearly see, there really is only one way of drawing this never ending election battle to a close that will manage to be informative, entertaining and effective, and that is ours – The People's Solution. If you thought you had seen everything there was to see about the people in the running to be the leader of your country, you were more wrong than previously conceivable. In a world where “reality television” is no longer a reflection of real life, and the word “government” can scarcely be spoken without bringing to mind the word “corruption”, The People's Solution seeks to break this mould and show Australia a side of the governing politicians that they did not even know existed. I plead that you take this proposed solution on, in an aim to maximise the enjoyability and double the effectiveness of the campaign in one easily implemented step. Thank you for your consideration.
Note: This was written for an assignment, and is purely satirical. It was a satire assignment. Clearly. Also, if you plan on stealing it (for your own obscure reasons), reference me and my genius etc etc.
Also note: My mother wanted me to put this up. You know how she gets.
