When chocolate doesn't count as chocolate...

Recently, my friends and I have gone on a bit of a chocolate binge. It's not been a conscious descision, people just...sell chocolate near us, and so we buy it, in extremely large quantities. However, sometimes it's a bit hard to justify the copious amounts of chocolate being consumed - we can't just accept the fact that chocolate now makes up a huge percentage of "Food Consumed During the Day", and feel as though we have to reason with ourselves. Thus, after much collaborative deliberation, we bring you a short selection of:


When Chocolate Isn't Chocolate...(Numbers 1-35)
(A Sara and Friends List)

1. White chocolate - because it's not really chocolate
2. Chocolate purchased for charity
3. Chocolate as an ingredient in other foods
4. Chocolate as an ingredient in other drinks
5. Chocolate when there's no other food available
6. "I feel bad about eating so much chocolate, so now I must comfort-eat chocolate to cover up my feelings"
7. "I'm about to study for four hours straight" chocolate
8. "I've been doing really well on my diet" chocolate
9. Any chocolate smaller than a freddo frog
10. Chocolate fondue
11. Chocolates in which more than 50% is made up of fillings (e.g turkish delight, caramel)
12. Chocolate as an act of rebellion (You know, like when you aren't supposed to eat in somewhere, like a lab, or a library, and in order to feel badass you eat...chocolate)
13. Dark chocolate because it's "healthy"
14. Birthday chocolate
15. Chocolate as a party snack food
16. Jellly lollies dipped in chocolate
17. ...anything else dipped in chocolate
18. ...chocolate dipped in anything (I'm thinking M&Ms)
19. S'mores
20. Chocolate powder
21. "I've just eaten an entire celery so this chocolate doesn't have any calories" chocolate
22. "If I eat it while I'm working out/taking a casual stroll, I'm working off the calories as I go" chocolate
23. Thinking chocolate (chocolate consumed while in the act of thinking)
24. Chocolate spread
25. Any form of pastry containing chocolate
26. Fancy chocolate that you have to either go to a special cafe to buy, or comes in a ridiculously fancy box, or costs you (or someone else) a ridiculous amount of money
27. Procrastination chocolate
28. "I don't want my friend eating chocolate to feel bad about eating chocolate" chocolate
29. Chocolate that you steal from people
30. Chocolate containing nuts (nuts are healthy, therefore chocolate is healthy)
31. Taste test chocolate
32. Sample chocolate (there are many cheapskates amongst my friends) (Including myself)
33. "There's a new chocolate on the market, I must try it immediately" chocolate
34. Chocolate someone else has bought you that you can't NOT eat
35. "I have no place else to put this chocolate and therefore I must put it in my stomach" chocolate

Things I've Learnt From Hairdressing

It's not my life dream to be a hairdresser. I don't particularly even enjoy it. I like to think I have other options. However, I do live an extremely lavish lifestyle that I need to support, so I work a few jobs, one of them being a Saturday job at a small hairdressing salon. I've had no formal training (no informal training either really - half an hour or "Okay, wash this woman's hair" "Blow dry her hair straight" "Mix up these tints for me" and "Clean those brushes now, okay?"), but hey, the money's good, and it doesn't require too much thought. Turns out, though, there's a lot that I've learnt from my short experience of working there (three weeks, to be precise).

• Natural haircolour is a myth
• Old people are extremely nosy
• Eldery lady hair has a very particular, distinct smell which, at the moment, is the same smell as my hands. It smells kind of carpet-y when wet. Things you didn't need to know.
• How to make the best goddamn instant coffee on the street. (Yes, you did detect sarcasm, well done)
• And I quote: "There's nothing better than swimming naked, though." I also learnt about this woman's naked swimming experience. You thought you knew awkward? You didn't.
• a) Coffee Toffee is freaking disgusting and b) it is very difficult to discreetly spit something out in a supposedly hygenic environment
• "Squeaky clean" isn't just a phrase - when hair's actually, properly clean, it's squeaks. It's extremely odd.
• The details of one woman's life. And the life of her daughter. And the life of her granddaughter. And her grandson. And how he wants to be a carpenter. And all of the things that has has recently made with wood. And the details of his academic life. And...oh, it goes on, it does.
• Hairdressers tend to repeat the same stories over and over and over again. With slightly different names and dates. And they also enjoy talking about their iPads. Or is that just in my situation?
• The first song I knew on the Easy Listening AM station was the "Live the Lotto life" jingle
• The guy in the ad about the Clive Peters store closing down sounds extremely dejected. It's an extremely depressing change from the old annoyingly chirpy jingle.
• For a station geared towards the elderly, there are an awful lot of ads for funeral homes.

Departing from the normal format of my blog posts, I know, but that was my post-work way of winding down. I know no one cares but then again, no one cares about any of the things I do, and I continue doing them anyway.

My hands feel like a sixty year old's and my shirt is covering with bleach, and yet I continue to plate myself up to you (yes, all two of you) (yes, one of those two being you, Mum), because I'm dedicated and have a four-step plan to internet domination.

File under "Cry, things that make me"

Caution: I promise that other than things like this, I am quite a well-rounded, likeable person. Ha ha ha.

I probably don't come off as an excessively emotional person. You're probably largely off base. While in day to day life I tend to...overuse humour in the place of getting all emotional...(although humour should be in inverted commas because humorous it may or may not be), I'm going to make a confession here - I'm a ridiculously unstable person, which means I go through ridiculously unstable emotions and phases where I am, basically, a giant cry baby. My mental stability is almost as questionable as, you know, my social life, etc. It's pretty inexplicable but hit a raw nerve when I'm having a bad day and I'll well up, and then get really angry to mask that. I'm good with the sudden bouts of inexplicable anger.

But apart from that, crying is something that is reserved for the home, and it turns out, the movie theatre. When it comes to movies, it turns out I am essentially a giant marshmallow, with the added bonus that the marshmallow isn't just a softie but also prone to bouts of uncontrollable tears. I don't like it, but I tell it as it is. So, because you love me (oh come on, don't be afraid to admit it, the internet is a relatively safe forum when it comes to the heartfelt expressions of our undying love etc), I take it you want to know which movies/television shows/music/etc transform me from a moderately stable, often happy person into a quivering wreck, right? Well you're lucky, because that's what you're going to find out.

Movies: Don't lie. You've watched Marley & Me, you used to own a dog, and you were watching the end bit and in tears, right? Doesn't that sum up pretty much everyone who watched that movie? I've read the book too, but books don't tend to make me go soft - I need the visual attached to the story. But yes, I'm going to come right out and tell you that when I first went to see that movie with three good friends, three of the four of us were blubbering by the end (Note: the one guy not crying, the most likely to cry in any other movie - trust me, has not and has never owned a pet). I watched it again the next year by myself in an English hotel room and yet again, I teared up. Sue me. But it isn't just overly depressing movies about dogs (SPOILER! SPOILER! For the people who have a go at me when I disclose even the tiniest little plot point) getting put down that get me bawling - oh no, there are more.

Have you seen Freedom Writers? Every time I watch that movie, regardless of how much I prepare it for mentally and how little attention I pay to the beginning of the movie, as soon as you reach the middle section with Marcus and Miep Gies and they do the whole Anne Frank scene, I am invariably sitting and crying my eyes at, and trying to work out if everyone else watching with me is as well. What can I say? I'm Jewish, it hits a nerve? To be honest, I'm not sure, but when I first watched it with a hundred other people, I don't think there were many dry eyes.

Of course, when I was younger, I cried at everything. Some movie called Spirit about a horse? I remember crying in that even though to this day I have no idea what exactly the plot was. Turns out, though, that wasn't the only animated movie that could set me off. Just recently, I was bawling like a newborn in Toy Story 3. The cinema - three of us girls who've actually become invested in the characters over the two prior movies; several harried mothers attempting to chain their children to the comfy leather seats (my friends and I are big ole' spenders) and several schools of kindegartners (one of whom, I have to let you know, was wearing a trucker cap, oversized Man United jersey and big ass silver chains - the original six year old gangster?). When it got to the garbage dump, or Andy saying goodbye to Woody, us three were pratically on the floor crying, and all the little kids were laughing and throwing popcorn. Age gap, it's evident.

Music: I go through phases where different things make me cry, because I'm an unpredictable wreck. Music is particularly topsy turvy - when especially emotional periods of my life are around, I'll cry at anything. Judge me all you like (or don't, please don't), but after my grandfather died I couldn't listen to the Charlie Chaplin version of Smile as done by the cast of Glee without bursting out into tears - clearly the song did not achieve its goal. Other songs that have made this elite list include Superman by Five For Fighting, Together We'll Ring In The New Year by Motion City Soundtrack, Caught In The Crowd by Kate Miller-Heidke, You and Me by Lifehouse...Can you tell that I'm probably in need of some form of medication? I'm joking. That was a joke.
This is why I've not gone into comedy.

Television shows: So far you've gathered that I'm massively overemotional in select situations, and television shows are no different - you sit me down with a finale of a show that I have loved for years, or a character that I've become really attached to dying, or any given episode of Cold Case that has to do with the death of a child, and BAM, I'm in that same state. Did I cry in the Scrubs finale? Maybe - mind you, not the Med School series, because that was ... a whole different animal. This is why I avoid most hospital shows - too many characters I like would die (I watch ER sometimes and I really shouldn't), or shows where people dying is an everyday event. Really, it's quite alarming that I got into Lost, considering the amount of death that show carries with it.

Now I'm finished this post.
Oh...I'm going to cry.

I'm JOKING YOU WEIRDOS.

The Bachelor: London Calling 29/6 - I do watch this crap, still

So, you know how my blog posts are either hilarious, or about crap TV shows, and are always ridiculously long? Yeah, this is one of those ones about a crap TV show, which just so happens to be The Bachelor. No one else appreciates my general thoughts, so I just post them where no one will ever need to read them again. The show aired last Tuesday, and I'm a little bit late to the viewing party, which is interrupting my general work flow - there's another episode tonight on Go! if them crazy bitches are your kind of thing. Still, Operation Bachelor: London Calling is a go.

Previously, lots of things happened. Chis takes pleasure in outlining this all for us. I did kind of miss last week, which involved a premiere, rugby, massages, and Robin - the classical pianist - is not liked by many. Anyway, Chris goes on to pre-cap the entire episode, just in case we don't really want to watch it or, like me, just watch it for the hilarity. Apparently Stoner - Shayne - is still in the running, which is pretty amazing.  Kelly, Chelsey, Stoner, Ashley, Noelle and Robin are going on a "date" (if you can call them that), which is in search for a "perfect match", which is some terrible tennis pun, and also there are tea cups.

Matt's wearing his gangster tracksuit to battle it out with a bunch of girls who cannot play tennis, excluding Singer-Songwriter Ashleigh/Ashley, and Kelly, and Chelsey, which Stoner is not happy about. Matt has gone all crazy about Chelsey/Chelsea, and is gaping, and Stoner is an ex-Gymnast (PICKED IT!). Ashley/Ashleigh/Ashlee's name appears to actually be the latest one. She's not completely...all there, in the head, and Matt had to explain "taking it in her stride" to her, which is not attractive (although we all know guys love a good bimbo). And now she's singing, of course, as they do, and now they're making out. Seriously, I look older than that girl. Unsurprisingly, all of the girls hate her. Ad break.

Post tennis match, it's tea time. They're all pretending to be English, and all the guys are shooting hate laser beams at the classical pianist Robin. Kelly, fifty year old smoker voice, is displeased. Chelsea (who is that?) considers Robin the most competitive. Matt loves spending time with her, and if I could wink over the internet, I would wink right now. Robin feels blessed. Yawn. Over at Girl Camp, Stoner is getting her bitch claws out, and she says that she "honestly just told Robin honest truth" because no one else has had a turn at private time. Must say, I side with Classical Pianist, it's not their choice who gets alone time. Robin is crying, Kelly doesn't buy it, and now Stoner is awkward backtracking and then WHOA suddenly we're back at the mansion.

Marshanna is displeased that she did not get the one on one. Marshanna feels like she's the underdog, and needs to pack, and Amanda's got the one on one date. Blah. All of the girls make Matt feel privelliged, but "NONE OF YA'LL BITCHES AS MUCH AS CHELSEA". Ashlee is all "does what we have mean NOTHING?" because I'm pretty sure there are too many hormones flying around this house. Ad break. That's okay, I'm tired.

The soundtrack to this show is terrible. Amanda is getting ready for the one-on-one date, and she's going vixen. Some girl whose name I do not know calls her a raging slut, which is exactly the look she's going for. Creepy, pervy Matt is creepy and pervy. Apparently this is a 1950's date, in which they will be very romantic and go to a diner. Amanda: "I felt like I was stepping back in time to a time I wasn't even alive in". Amanda is apprently the all American girl, beautiful and smart etc. Matt says there's a geeky side to her, and if that qualifies as geeky, then what am I? Matt is a terrible dancer, apparently. Well, the show isn't called The Bachelor: Dancing King. Holly and Marshana are going to be cooking on this date. Marshana has serious anger issues. DITCH HER, DITCH HER, DITCH HER. Her rationalising is "Pick me, pick me, pick me, see how beautiful I am...blah...I really think we have something...blah". Back in the 50's, Amanda is getting some shpeel, with a side of a rose. And now they're going to the pier, where rollercoasters and Ferris Wheels are abundant, and then they make out at the top of the Ferris Wheel. Ad break.

GIrl whose name I keep forgetting appears to be Holly, Children's Book Author, and she and Marshana are off to their tension-SMASH date. People on this show are so overdramatic. Marshana and Holly are having an "I am willing to move away from the States" competition. They're basically competing for whose more willing to leave their home. Marshana and Matt are having some 'alone time' *wink*, and Holly is perving over. Marshana and Matt make out, but he's just stringing her along. Holly and Matt are on the bed, and Matt's blabbering on about his boring side where he "wants to know what's going on in the Middle East, and what's resilient in the financial market and stuff"...so, basically, I'm boring. Holly and Matt are alone in a room and yet they're whispering and Holly's idea of boring is "watching movies". Whatever. At the house, the girls are speculating, and Stoner is SURE that Holly is coming home, and won't hear a word otherwise. Anyway, on the date, hi-fives, Marshana got the rose. Despite her obvious emotional issues, I strongly dislike Holly at the moment.

HOW DO I STILL HAVE HALF AN HOUR LEFT? Stoner is displeased by the outcome of the date. And....ad break.

Over at the mansion, prior to the rose ceremony, the girls are all dressed up and straightened and tanned within an inch of their lives or whatever that phrase is. Ashlee appears to be wearing an excessively slutty dress, and Matt is asking her the tough questions, about how their connection is physical and musical but what can she do outside of that. Ashlee is attempting a metaphor, and failing dramatically. Ohai, Noelle, where have you been? Matt's all up for the tough questions tonight. Noelle is trying to communicate that her feelings are REAL and RAW and more. Kelly, on her one on one time, but her body language is terrible (she's wearing a markedly slutty dress). Apparently he sees her as less of a fun person with him, and then she just tore her shirt open (WHAT? WHY?) and hit her head on a table. IS SHE EVER NOT DRUNK? Now, he's trying to pin down Stoner (Shanye, if you forgot). Shayne wants him to send everyone else home, and tries to convince him that she's into him and what why I don't even why did that inspire a make out session? Matt no longer wants to be sombre. Whatever. Hiccup girl just hiccupped, and someone was excessively rude and said "Stop it". I am offended by that string of events.

Time to give out roses to various women. Chelsea, Amanda and Marshana are covered by their pre-purchased roses, but the others are all competing. Stoner is administering her best "I'm famous" pose. I reckon stripper Kelly is gone. Stoner gets the first rose. Robin, tea-drinker and classical pianist, gets the second. Oh, hi Phil, "This is the final rose tonight". Oh, shut up Phil, we know. Noelle gets the next rose (I like her, she seems genuine), and Sparkly bra Kelly and Singer/Songwriter Ashlee are gone. Ashlee is an emotional wreck and I am genuinely worried she'll pass out.

I need to switch this off now, I can feel myself losing brain cells.