So, you know how my blog posts are either hilarious, or about crap TV shows, and are always ridiculously long? Yeah, this is one of those ones about a crap TV show, which just so happens to be The Bachelor. No one else appreciates my general thoughts, so I just post them where no one will ever need to read them again. The show aired last Tuesday, and I'm a little bit late to the viewing party, which is interrupting my general work flow - there's another episode tonight on Go! if them crazy bitches are your kind of thing. Still, Operation Bachelor: London Calling is a go.
Previously, lots of things happened. Chis takes pleasure in outlining this all for us. I did kind of miss last week, which involved a premiere, rugby, massages, and Robin - the classical pianist - is not liked by many. Anyway, Chris goes on to pre-cap the entire episode, just in case we don't really want to watch it or, like me, just watch it for the hilarity. Apparently Stoner - Shayne - is still in the running, which is pretty amazing. Kelly, Chelsey, Stoner, Ashley, Noelle and Robin are going on a "date" (if you can call them that), which is in search for a "perfect match", which is some terrible tennis pun, and also there are tea cups.
Matt's wearing his gangster tracksuit to battle it out with a bunch of girls who cannot play tennis, excluding Singer-Songwriter Ashleigh/Ashley, and Kelly, and Chelsey, which Stoner is not happy about. Matt has gone all crazy about Chelsey/Chelsea, and is gaping, and Stoner is an ex-Gymnast (PICKED IT!). Ashley/Ashleigh/Ashlee's name appears to actually be the latest one. She's not completely...all there, in the head, and Matt had to explain "taking it in her stride" to her, which is not attractive (although we all know guys love a good bimbo). And now she's singing, of course, as they do, and now they're making out. Seriously, I look older than that girl. Unsurprisingly, all of the girls hate her. Ad break.
Post tennis match, it's tea time. They're all pretending to be English, and all the guys are shooting hate laser beams at the classical pianist Robin. Kelly, fifty year old smoker voice, is displeased. Chelsea (who is that?) considers Robin the most competitive. Matt loves spending time with her, and if I could wink over the internet, I would wink right now. Robin feels blessed. Yawn. Over at Girl Camp, Stoner is getting her bitch claws out, and she says that she "honestly just told Robin honest truth" because no one else has had a turn at private time. Must say, I side with Classical Pianist, it's not their choice who gets alone time. Robin is crying, Kelly doesn't buy it, and now Stoner is awkward backtracking and then WHOA suddenly we're back at the mansion.
Marshanna is displeased that she did not get the one on one. Marshanna feels like she's the underdog, and needs to pack, and Amanda's got the one on one date. Blah. All of the girls make Matt feel privelliged, but "NONE OF YA'LL BITCHES AS MUCH AS CHELSEA". Ashlee is all "does what we have mean NOTHING?" because I'm pretty sure there are too many hormones flying around this house. Ad break. That's okay, I'm tired.
The soundtrack to this show is terrible. Amanda is getting ready for the one-on-one date, and she's going vixen. Some girl whose name I do not know calls her a raging slut, which is exactly the look she's going for. Creepy, pervy Matt is creepy and pervy. Apparently this is a 1950's date, in which they will be very romantic and go to a diner. Amanda: "I felt like I was stepping back in time to a time I wasn't even alive in". Amanda is apprently the all American girl, beautiful and smart etc. Matt says there's a geeky side to her, and if that qualifies as geeky, then what am I? Matt is a terrible dancer, apparently. Well, the show isn't called The Bachelor: Dancing King. Holly and Marshana are going to be cooking on this date. Marshana has serious anger issues. DITCH HER, DITCH HER, DITCH HER. Her rationalising is "Pick me, pick me, pick me, see how beautiful I am...blah...I really think we have something...blah". Back in the 50's, Amanda is getting some shpeel, with a side of a rose. And now they're going to the pier, where rollercoasters and Ferris Wheels are abundant, and then they make out at the top of the Ferris Wheel. Ad break.
GIrl whose name I keep forgetting appears to be Holly, Children's Book Author, and she and Marshana are off to their tension-SMASH date. People on this show are so overdramatic. Marshana and Holly are having an "I am willing to move away from the States" competition. They're basically competing for whose more willing to leave their home. Marshana and Matt are having some 'alone time' *wink*, and Holly is perving over. Marshana and Matt make out, but he's just stringing her along. Holly and Matt are on the bed, and Matt's blabbering on about his boring side where he "wants to know what's going on in the Middle East, and what's resilient in the financial market and stuff"...so, basically, I'm boring. Holly and Matt are alone in a room and yet they're whispering and Holly's idea of boring is "watching movies". Whatever. At the house, the girls are speculating, and Stoner is SURE that Holly is coming home, and won't hear a word otherwise. Anyway, on the date, hi-fives, Marshana got the rose. Despite her obvious emotional issues, I strongly dislike Holly at the moment.
HOW DO I STILL HAVE HALF AN HOUR LEFT? Stoner is displeased by the outcome of the date. And....ad break.
Over at the mansion, prior to the rose ceremony, the girls are all dressed up and straightened and tanned within an inch of their lives or whatever that phrase is. Ashlee appears to be wearing an excessively slutty dress, and Matt is asking her the tough questions, about how their connection is physical and musical but what can she do outside of that. Ashlee is attempting a metaphor, and failing dramatically. Ohai, Noelle, where have you been? Matt's all up for the tough questions tonight. Noelle is trying to communicate that her feelings are REAL and RAW and more. Kelly, on her one on one time, but her body language is terrible (she's wearing a markedly slutty dress). Apparently he sees her as less of a fun person with him, and then she just tore her shirt open (WHAT? WHY?) and hit her head on a table. IS SHE EVER NOT DRUNK? Now, he's trying to pin down Stoner (Shanye, if you forgot). Shayne wants him to send everyone else home, and tries to convince him that she's into him and what why I don't even why did that inspire a make out session? Matt no longer wants to be sombre. Whatever. Hiccup girl just hiccupped, and someone was excessively rude and said "Stop it". I am offended by that string of events.
Time to give out roses to various women. Chelsea, Amanda and Marshana are covered by their pre-purchased roses, but the others are all competing. Stoner is administering her best "I'm famous" pose. I reckon stripper Kelly is gone. Stoner gets the first rose. Robin, tea-drinker and classical pianist, gets the second. Oh, hi Phil, "This is the final rose tonight". Oh, shut up Phil, we know. Noelle gets the next rose (I like her, she seems genuine), and Sparkly bra Kelly and Singer/Songwriter Ashlee are gone. Ashlee is an emotional wreck and I am genuinely worried she'll pass out.
I need to switch this off now, I can feel myself losing brain cells.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment