The pros and cons of being employed

I am, it has been well documented, a bizarre person leading an interesting life (or, at least, a boring life that I hype up). This, alongside my severe laziness and lack of commitment to writing adventures, explains my lack of posting in the past...several months. However, there is another factor that has a hand in this, and that is my employment status. As you may know, I previously earned my keep doing menial, unenjoyable tasks at a hairdressing salon. This job was ripped away from me in a fashion I'd rather not delve into, and suddenly I was left with free time, improved eating habits and lowered stress levels. Unfortunately, thanks to my unavoidable need for money, and my grandmother's meddling, I have been working for the past two months in a new job, at a small skincare shop.

This job has many things causing it to trump my last - for one thing, I love the people I'm working with (and I am actually working with other people, which is always a bonus). I have endured many an emotional time with the girls, and really, we're all very close. I love the products we sell, and the freebies are always a bonus. It's convenient, the pay is better, I actually get lunch breaks, the clientele are less commonly miserable and/or irritable. As with all jobs, there are some things that are less fun than others, but I tend to make the most of even the menial things - using the hot glue gun is always more fun when pretending it's a real gun. In general, though, it's a great place to work. That being said, there are certain things about the mere having of a job that fall into both positive and negative categories.

Pros

- Less of the "sitting on my arse and doing nothing". Having a job gives me a reason to get up, put on nice clothes, actually try and make myself presentable, go out and be forced into social contact with people. I just in general feel better about myself when I'm working.
- More money - because who wouldn't welcome that? More money also generally means more freedom, and nicer things. I welcome nicer things whenever possible. I can support my lavish lifestyle more freely.
- A sense of superiority over my jobless friends. I'm the first to admit that I'm a terrible person.
- Relationships with people I haven't seen every single day of my life. It's the ability to be myself (and tell all my old stories) to a completely new group of people, without the effort of throwing myself into terrifying new social situation.

Cons

- My eating habits go to hell, even with an overly health-conscious coworker who refuses to allow me to eat unhealthily. This tends to lead to a great deal more sneaking around with chocolates and cans of coke, discreet skittles and more.
- As does my social life.
- As does my self-esteem - I'm sensitive, okay?
- As does my confidence in my ability to function normally around other people.

I'm pretty pathetic.

On another note, my mother has plans to make a blog. I suspect that she intends to do this in order to beat me, because I suspect it is my mother's goal to be more liked on the internet than I am, hence her dedication to Twitter. It's only a matter of time before she's responding to creepy non-questions on Formspring or gaining a legion of Tumblr followers. I know that she also believes she would be a better blogger than some she reads, and this is probably true - I have inherited my skewed, strange view on the world from her. 
However, despite all this, I do love her, and will direct you there when this blog comes into being.

A post that is, essentially, word porn.

There are very few causes I get into (apart from general human rights issues and getting people to own up to their idiocy - but I don't count that). This morning, however, I came across the Oxford Dictionary's "Save The Words" website, in which they attempt to save an array of obscure, brilliant, near-defunct words by getting all of the readers to "adopt a word". There are hundreds of excellent words to browse through and add to your vocabulary, and if you're a sucker for a good vocabulary addition like me, it may take hours to choose which brilliant word will be your new baby. Once you've adopted a word, it's your duty to get that word back into your day-to-day vocabulary, share it with your friends, spread the word tirelessly - and this idea, I love.
So I adopted the word squiriferous, which means gentlemanly or chilvalrous: "When he held the door open for me, I was shocked that he was so squiriferous". My friend Sarah adopted vacivity, which may be my new favourite essay word - it means an emptiness, and it's delightfully simple to slip into your everyday sentences. Some other great words I've learnt today include:

Vapous – (adj.) flat, bland



Kexy – (adj.) brittled, withered


Scaevity – (n.) unluckiness


Crassulent – (adj.) very fat, grossly obese


Cacozealous – (aaj.) badly immitated


Egrote – (v.) to pretend to be ill


Latibule – (n.) hiding place


Roblet – (v.) lead astray


Tussicate – (v.) to cough


Blateration – (n.) babble, chatter


Vacivity – (n.) emptiness


Lubency – (n.) willingness


Pudify – (v.) to cause embarrassment


Quaeritate – (v.) to ask


Magistricide – (v.) to kill a teacher or master


Temerate – (v.) to break a bond or promise


Drollic – (adj.) pertaining to puppet shows


Foppotee – (n.) a simple-minded person


Epalprebate – (adj.) lacking eyebrows


Krioboly – (n.) sacrifice of many rams


Diffibulate – (v.) to unbutton


Eicastic – (adj.) immitative


Prandicle – (n.) small meal


Parepochism – (n.) an error in dating or assigning a time period


Starrify – (v.) to decorate with stars


Spicious – (adj.) of thick consistency


Mariturient – (adj.) eager to marry


Amorevolous – (adj.) affectionate, doting


Hemerine – (adj.) daily


Tudiculate – (v.) to bruise or pound


Sevedical – (adj.) speaking harsh or cruel words


Welmish – (adj.) of pale or sickly colour


Gnathonize – (v.) to flatter


Lugent – (adj.) sobbing, grieving


Venustation – (n.) the act of becoming beautiful


Misqueme – (v.) to displease
 
Pantdress - (n.) a women's one-piece outfit with pants as the bottoms - a romper
 
I can't help but love someone who puts a spin on the common language, so henceforth:
I hope you experience minimal scaevity in your kriboly, nor do you encounter lugent folk or encounter a scathefire which leaves you epalpebrate. Keep in mind that pantdresses will always fail to gnathonize, and may interrupt your venustation, and tudiculate your dignity out of you. Fill the vacivity of your vapous life and enhance your vocabulary so no one considers you a foppotee, and enjoy your next prandicle. I would hate to pudify, but it would will be most squiriferous of you to give this a shot.
 
(Note: I have never advertised anything this shamelessly without being paid but I suppose that this quirky little effort really spoke to me - if that's not the nerdiest thing you've heard today, then you probably hand out with people not dissimilar to myself. Don't hold it against me.)

In which I discovered that there are good people in the world

Of course, the title is slightly exaggerated. I'm not stupid, but I'm also not one of those intellectual, "humanity is doomed; the earth is in danger because humans are by nature greedy and selfish and evil" kind of people, because I know that there are good people, who will do things I could not even imagine doing. Do I necessarily count myself as one of those people? Eh, I try to, I think we all do, but in reality, I sometimes struggle with the whole "good person" tag. However, I'd like to reach back to an entry I wrote a little while back in response to an anti-Semitic article in the local magazine. It was an article that filled me, as someone considered to be a part of a minority - and even simply as a human being - with anger at the complete lack of consideration and awareness of other cultures in this modern "multicultural Australia".

I'd like to mention that I am not an avid reader of the Beast (the magazine in which the original article was found); it can be trashy, but on occasion I do find articles of interest or entertainment when I have nothing else to read. When the original article was published, I was sick, and I was going through a period of being extremely reactive to anything that offended me in the slightest. This article succeeded in ruining my day, and for a while, my faith that we were making progress in the terms of acceptance of religion and different cultures. The author, Duncan Horscroft, is probably a lovely guy, but when an author, do you really want an article that has such thinly veiled (possibly unintentional) racism in it? For a while, I actually toyed with editing my response and sending it into the magazine, but by then we had thrown it away and I didn't have the address and the by and by is that regrettably, I wasn't able to have a word in an issue very close to my heart. I thought that was the end of this issue being discussed, however luckily, it was not.

I don't know who Brett Chester is, but I'd like to personally thank him for the letter he wrote into the Beast, which was selected as the Letter of the Month for the October 2010 issue. He didn't have the same open-ended forum as I opted to vent on, but his response actually went and did something (an area in which I have often had trouble) - I sincerely hope that everyone who read the original article and used that as the only means to form their opinion on the issue reads his response and takes on the points he has made, which I would argue are more valid and even far more neutral than the original article. What the article initially failed at was keeping both sides of the story in equal consideration - religious necessities were pushed aside to make way for the views from some expensive house - and while I am not saying the points raised in Horscroft's article are wrong, or even necessarily unimportant,  I would have liked to have seen an article that entertained both points of view and perhaps did not have such a blatant bias in a way which I feel expressed nothing but a level of ignorance and intolerance.

Chester made a lot of good points, which I won't go into (several points were ones that I tried to make, but failed, because I got quite caught up in the anti-Semitic bias of the subject matter alone, rather than simply the way the author handled it inappropriately). He caught the caption to the picture, which I had not even noticed, and cleverly commented on the soundness of the points raised towards the end of the article. None of this is what really matters, though - I think the most important thing is that the original article was not left as the be all and end all of the issue. I am actually relieved that someone else got to fight back, to voice their opinions on the issue, and did it so eloquently and efficiently (in a way that I wish I could do, but I'm too much of a rambler).

So good on him, and I'd like to see more active responses next time something offensive to you comes up - as a Jewish girl, I'm going to fight forever to have racism gone, as well as from the media (along with other things), but I don't hold any power by myself. My issues lie solely in the fact that surely everyone deserves the right to lead their life the way they have decided to, and to do this without critical judgement from people with no authority on the subject, and I think this is a statement that can be widely agreed with. I want to see more stands taken because everyone has a right to an opinion, and these opinions should be voiced alongside others. There are people who will take action, and that's a great thing. I might be lazy, I might never actually get around to do anything, but I'm not going to stop voicing my thoughts when I see something suss going on, and as long as there are other people doing that as well, then I'm reasonably proud to be part of this society instead of ashamed that articles like the original one are what is accepted as fact.

(Sidenote: a lot of good people do things through other means. If you're a good person, go on doing that, however you choose to)
(Sidenote two: I actually think we are all inherently good and bad. I'm not going to go on and on about my "are we good people?" opinion because, trust me, I've had that conversation before and it takes hours)
(Sidenote three: Apologies for my rambling, several sidenotes and occasionally fading away from the topic - sometimes I just write and don't actually realise what I'm doing.)

(Sidenote four: sorry about the infrequent posting, I've been busy and I've gone through a lapse in ever actually having anything to say. Which is out of character.)

The People's Solution - A Proposal

Members of parliament, ladies and gentlemen, I come before you today to present to you an idea that I wish to be considered at the present time of governmental upheaval. As I am sure you are all aware, the Australian government is “hung” at the moment – neither of the main political powers have secured the seventy-six required seats in the house of representatives to take over as Australia's governing party. This is where I propose to input my solution. In case you weren't aware, my name is Sara, and I am the head of Marketing Australia, and we have been employed by the government to come up with a way to resolve the conflict for power and end this constant waiting endured by the people of Australia.

After much thought from all across the company, we have come together to develop our plan, which we call “The People's Solution”. Instead of calling for another election, which would only tire the people and lead to further unnecessary waiting (excluding the obvious issue that the outcome would most likely be identical to the current one), or handing the power over to those inside the government to decide, which would inevitably incorporate elements of political bias and corruption, we envision to give the public power over the overall result, while still ensuring that there will be a clear outcome by the end of the campaign, and also exhibiting the powers and ideals of each prospective party in a practical and accessible way.

 It is well known that Australia is fast claiming it's stake at the title of “Fattest nation in the world”, due to an increase in portion sizes, fast food, and of course, the popularity of activities such as television and computers. It is practically the 'Australian way' to sit by the television at night watching Masterchef. Yet it has been noted by my researchers that current point in time, surrounding the election, prime time television is considered unsatisfactory by the vast majority of Australian viewers. Our solution aims to solve this problem simultaneously with the parliamentary battle, and focus groups have found that the public almost unanimously agrees that our solution is not only the most viable, but will also be the most entertaining and efficient,



7:30 at night will no longer be a time dreaded by fans of compelling viewing, for this is where or solution will find itself. Each night, a challenge will take place between the current Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, and leader of the coalition, Tony Abbott, and will be nationally broadcast on whichever free to air channel has the highest bid (which will be a huge economic benefit as well, as the bids should be astronomical considering the amount of extra viewers that will be tuning into their televisions per episode), as well as live streamed over the internet for those who prefer. Each night will draw inspiration from the most successful television shows of the past, and the growing trend in reality television specifically, and will exhibit policies and ensure that each of the candidates are accessible and relatable to the average Australian viewer. To make sure the concept doesn't “tire out” the nation, we will not air the show each night, but rather alternate – Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays will all feature an episode of this show, which will go down in the history books.



At the end of each night, the Australian public will be given the opportunity to vote for the candidate who they believe performed the best, and each night the votes will counted. Each episode will have a winner, and after a few weeks the wins will be counted and the candidate with the most overall votes will be named Australian Prime Minister. While the waiting aspect of this hung parliament situation will not be eradicated, it will be a much more enjoyable process and time will fly by far more quickly for those who become avid watchers – and I can ensure the channel that does take this on board that viewers will be in the millions, and revenue will be increased dramatically. Not only will the overall winner win the coveted position as Prime Minister, but also win the hearts of the nation in the process.



How, you ask, do we propose to juggle all of these vital aspects while also promising to demonstrate policies and ideas to the public? Each episode will be themed, and the candidates challenged to not only perform the best but also to incorporate and put in practice their ideas about all of the election hotspots – what does the party intend on doing about the growing issue of obesity, the environment, health, broadband, boat people...after the series has run its course, the largely ignorant public will be enlightened as to what exactly will happen when the winner begins their governing.



You may claim that this idea is good in theory, but wonder how effective it will be when implemented. Allow me to share a few preliminary examples of episodes that we have plotted out. Take, for example, the issue of obesity. Prime Ministerial candidates will be put into a Biggest Loser type scenario, but they will be given the role of trainers, forced to put their ideas into viable exercise and health plans, while sharing their policies with the country in side interviews. The candidate who Australia deems as the most successful in this area will be the winner of the night. The candidates will also be forced to cope with high stress situations, and become more and more comfortable with cameras being privy to their lives, which is essential if they intend on one day being in the highest position of power Australia can do.



How each government will handle indigenous affairs is something of a grey area at the moment, but in this show each candidate will be forced to convey these ideas to an audience and a panel of judges – through interpretive dance! So You Think You Can Dance has been a ratings smash not only in Australia but also in the United States of America, and this challenge would serve not only as quality entertainment, but would also be informative and enlightening to the viewer, and would give each Prime Ministerial candidate the chance to express themselves in a new, on-trend fashion that they would otherwise never look into.



Environmental issues have been largely avoided by the Prime Minster and leader of the opposition, with their focuses being steadily fixed on other areas. However, by leaving the competitors on a beautiful tropical island in the Pacific, and being forced to fend for themselves (in an environmentally friendly fashion, of course), and also to compete in challenges that would set the opponents face-to-face with the nature being directly affected by our carbon emissions and unethical practices, akin to the long running, smash hit show Survivor. This would also draw International attention the the Australian television industry as our last attempt at Survivor is seen by America to have brought shame on our country.



The competitors could show how knowledgeable they are about international affairs and trade links by creating dishes that represent a wide variety of countries Australia share close ties with, in order to create an internationally spanning meal to be judged by an experienced panel, and then again by the Australian public, as per the shock success, Masterchef. They will be challenged to demonstrate the benefits of their broadband plans by composing songs to be performed in front of large audiences and knowledgeable judges, bringing to mind the long running talent show Australian Idol. They will even be forced to show off their true character and social skills by being forced to live in a large room together alongside some of our most famous and infamous politicians, a la Big Brother, in which their true colours are almost definitely going to be exposed. The real real Julia Gillard may even be exposed.



As you can clearly see, there really is only one way of drawing this never ending election battle to a close that will manage to be informative, entertaining and effective, and that is ours – The People's Solution. If you thought you had seen everything there was to see about the people in the running to be the leader of your country, you were more wrong than previously conceivable. In a world where “reality television” is no longer a reflection of real life, and the word “government” can scarcely be spoken without bringing to mind the word “corruption”, The People's Solution seeks to break this mould and show Australia a side of the governing politicians that they did not even know existed. I plead that you take this proposed solution on, in an aim to maximise the enjoyability and double the effectiveness of the campaign in one easily implemented step. Thank you for your consideration.
 
Note: This was written for an assignment, and is purely satirical. It was a satire assignment. Clearly. Also, if you plan on stealing it (for your own obscure reasons), reference me and my genius etc etc.
 
Also note: My mother wanted me to put this up. You know how she gets.

A rant about Judaism, racism, and magazine article that drove me insane

Okay, look. I'm quite an open-minded person, but I'm also very opinionated - in my opinion, you don't have to be one or the other, and it is very possible to be both. I have certain values that I hold particularly high, and personally am very rights orientated. To me, it's of utmost importance that people have the right to free speech, the right to life, the right to feel loved, etc. Cheesy, but I'm like that. So I was reading an article in the free magazine for the Eastern Beaches of Australia, and I've got to say: Offence? Taken. Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt that the author is a great journalist, or a kind-hearted, tolerant person, but the fashion in which this article is written just strikes a chord with me.

Next thing: I'm Jewish. It's not a big deal, don't get racist on me, but it's the way I've been brought up, the belief system I've come to accept. I'm not exactly what you'd call observant, but I go to Synagogue on major festivals and have Friday night dinners with the entire family. If you want to post nasty comments, go ahead, but haters should stop hating - I know that people practice all different religions, are perfectly entitled to, and I know plenty of wonderful people from all across the spectrum. So, again, this.

On first glance, the article's not to bad. There are moments that are genuinely interesting, and border on nice - "Australia is a multi-cultural nation that accepts all races and religions and the majority of people hold no grudge against anyone for practising their own beliefs" - and I appreciate that, because it's true. Even now, anti-semitism isn't something I experience on a regular basis, and people in general are more curious than rude. However, I feel these moments of "acceptance" are purely there in order to cover up the rest of the racist undertones of the article.

The main point of the article centres around the positioning of the Jewish eruv (an eruv, just to clarify, is a way of "closing in" an area so Jews are able to carry - things like strollers, keys, handbags - on Shabbat, Saturday, our day of rest), and our disregard of the laws when we took it upon ourselves to reconstruct a pole to hold the eruv together. I don't personally observe Shabbat (I should, I know, don't shoot), but it's an essential of Jewish, observant life. If an observant Jew wishes to attend synagogue on Saturday, who are you to deny them the right to push their baby's stroller, or to carry their keys in their pocket? You preach religious acceptance, and then you attempt to shine a negative light on something that actually helps Jews integrate into modern society? Excuse me, but that just doesn't seem right. We start off with a nice little tale of a Muslim cab driver who pulled over to do his afternoon prayer on the street. We get the obligatory "Now, I'm not one to bag anyone's religious beliefs..." statement, but the very nature of the rest of the article only serves to contradict that statement.

I know that from reading what an eruv is, you might possibly nod your head along and go "Oh, yes, well I can see how that could be confining for people of other cultures within the area, just because some minority are Jewish, doesn't mean everyone has to be..." etc. But an eruv? The eruv on the Eastern Suburbs is a wire, more common than not hidden amongst the mess of electrical wires atop our telegraph poles. Along beach fronts, it runs through railings, and if you weren't aware it was there, you would have no idea it even existed. No eruv had ever troubled you before, why should it now?

Well, apparently when the wealthy people living with their beautiful views of the coast found all of the telegraph poles along the coastal walk an eyesore, and had them placed underground (the author notably stresses that "the residents went through the proper channels , received permission from the council and the job was done without any problems"), in the process causing the eruv to be incomplete. And then, shock horror, the Jews had to ruin everything and go - without permission - put up an ugly pole to complete their eruv again. I know, how dare they! Jews from across the area able to make the trek to their synagogue with their babies in strollers and their water bottles in hand so that when heading uphill they can save themselves from dehydration? Despicable. Ah, but the author argues that his point is not this, but "when the rules are blatantly flaunted and proper processes are not respected, all for the benefit of one particular group, it does become a bit hard to accept". Why? Why is that any harder to accept than anything that other people do? I oppose to your problem with Muslims publically participating in their daily prayers. You appear to have issues with this, contradicting laws that allow us the freedom to our own religion, for the benefit of only one group - ignorant people who don't accept the cultures of others. So maybe think a bit more before making such bold statements.

Another issue that is clearly a contributing factor to all of this nonsense is ignorance. "Maybe when the new pole is in place we can get our Muslim taxi-driver mate to come down at 4:30 one afternoon to bless it!" I'm not even going to go into the many ways that phrase offends me, or fails to make sense at all. We're all just scum, anyway.

So even though this rant has poor grammar and even poorer structure, I urge you to next time take crap you read about other religions and their customs with a grain of salt. We're not doing everything possible to ruin your life, we're just trying to live ours the best we can. Racism is a hateful, baseless thing that I wouldn't be able to justify in any circumstance. And while I accept that this author is writing to cover an issue, whether or not controversial, maybe next time both sides of a story should be explored. I get that you don't want your beautiful Bronte views obstructed by some pesky telegraph poles, but I don't want my beautiful religion obstructed by someone who doesn't want to take everyone's perspectives into account.

I apologise if that was terrible, I was angry. I get like that sometimes. End rant.

When chocolate doesn't count as chocolate...

Recently, my friends and I have gone on a bit of a chocolate binge. It's not been a conscious descision, people just...sell chocolate near us, and so we buy it, in extremely large quantities. However, sometimes it's a bit hard to justify the copious amounts of chocolate being consumed - we can't just accept the fact that chocolate now makes up a huge percentage of "Food Consumed During the Day", and feel as though we have to reason with ourselves. Thus, after much collaborative deliberation, we bring you a short selection of:


When Chocolate Isn't Chocolate...(Numbers 1-35)
(A Sara and Friends List)

1. White chocolate - because it's not really chocolate
2. Chocolate purchased for charity
3. Chocolate as an ingredient in other foods
4. Chocolate as an ingredient in other drinks
5. Chocolate when there's no other food available
6. "I feel bad about eating so much chocolate, so now I must comfort-eat chocolate to cover up my feelings"
7. "I'm about to study for four hours straight" chocolate
8. "I've been doing really well on my diet" chocolate
9. Any chocolate smaller than a freddo frog
10. Chocolate fondue
11. Chocolates in which more than 50% is made up of fillings (e.g turkish delight, caramel)
12. Chocolate as an act of rebellion (You know, like when you aren't supposed to eat in somewhere, like a lab, or a library, and in order to feel badass you eat...chocolate)
13. Dark chocolate because it's "healthy"
14. Birthday chocolate
15. Chocolate as a party snack food
16. Jellly lollies dipped in chocolate
17. ...anything else dipped in chocolate
18. ...chocolate dipped in anything (I'm thinking M&Ms)
19. S'mores
20. Chocolate powder
21. "I've just eaten an entire celery so this chocolate doesn't have any calories" chocolate
22. "If I eat it while I'm working out/taking a casual stroll, I'm working off the calories as I go" chocolate
23. Thinking chocolate (chocolate consumed while in the act of thinking)
24. Chocolate spread
25. Any form of pastry containing chocolate
26. Fancy chocolate that you have to either go to a special cafe to buy, or comes in a ridiculously fancy box, or costs you (or someone else) a ridiculous amount of money
27. Procrastination chocolate
28. "I don't want my friend eating chocolate to feel bad about eating chocolate" chocolate
29. Chocolate that you steal from people
30. Chocolate containing nuts (nuts are healthy, therefore chocolate is healthy)
31. Taste test chocolate
32. Sample chocolate (there are many cheapskates amongst my friends) (Including myself)
33. "There's a new chocolate on the market, I must try it immediately" chocolate
34. Chocolate someone else has bought you that you can't NOT eat
35. "I have no place else to put this chocolate and therefore I must put it in my stomach" chocolate

Things I've Learnt From Hairdressing

It's not my life dream to be a hairdresser. I don't particularly even enjoy it. I like to think I have other options. However, I do live an extremely lavish lifestyle that I need to support, so I work a few jobs, one of them being a Saturday job at a small hairdressing salon. I've had no formal training (no informal training either really - half an hour or "Okay, wash this woman's hair" "Blow dry her hair straight" "Mix up these tints for me" and "Clean those brushes now, okay?"), but hey, the money's good, and it doesn't require too much thought. Turns out, though, there's a lot that I've learnt from my short experience of working there (three weeks, to be precise).

• Natural haircolour is a myth
• Old people are extremely nosy
• Eldery lady hair has a very particular, distinct smell which, at the moment, is the same smell as my hands. It smells kind of carpet-y when wet. Things you didn't need to know.
• How to make the best goddamn instant coffee on the street. (Yes, you did detect sarcasm, well done)
• And I quote: "There's nothing better than swimming naked, though." I also learnt about this woman's naked swimming experience. You thought you knew awkward? You didn't.
• a) Coffee Toffee is freaking disgusting and b) it is very difficult to discreetly spit something out in a supposedly hygenic environment
• "Squeaky clean" isn't just a phrase - when hair's actually, properly clean, it's squeaks. It's extremely odd.
• The details of one woman's life. And the life of her daughter. And the life of her granddaughter. And her grandson. And how he wants to be a carpenter. And all of the things that has has recently made with wood. And the details of his academic life. And...oh, it goes on, it does.
• Hairdressers tend to repeat the same stories over and over and over again. With slightly different names and dates. And they also enjoy talking about their iPads. Or is that just in my situation?
• The first song I knew on the Easy Listening AM station was the "Live the Lotto life" jingle
• The guy in the ad about the Clive Peters store closing down sounds extremely dejected. It's an extremely depressing change from the old annoyingly chirpy jingle.
• For a station geared towards the elderly, there are an awful lot of ads for funeral homes.

Departing from the normal format of my blog posts, I know, but that was my post-work way of winding down. I know no one cares but then again, no one cares about any of the things I do, and I continue doing them anyway.

My hands feel like a sixty year old's and my shirt is covering with bleach, and yet I continue to plate myself up to you (yes, all two of you) (yes, one of those two being you, Mum), because I'm dedicated and have a four-step plan to internet domination.

File under "Cry, things that make me"

Caution: I promise that other than things like this, I am quite a well-rounded, likeable person. Ha ha ha.

I probably don't come off as an excessively emotional person. You're probably largely off base. While in day to day life I tend to...overuse humour in the place of getting all emotional...(although humour should be in inverted commas because humorous it may or may not be), I'm going to make a confession here - I'm a ridiculously unstable person, which means I go through ridiculously unstable emotions and phases where I am, basically, a giant cry baby. My mental stability is almost as questionable as, you know, my social life, etc. It's pretty inexplicable but hit a raw nerve when I'm having a bad day and I'll well up, and then get really angry to mask that. I'm good with the sudden bouts of inexplicable anger.

But apart from that, crying is something that is reserved for the home, and it turns out, the movie theatre. When it comes to movies, it turns out I am essentially a giant marshmallow, with the added bonus that the marshmallow isn't just a softie but also prone to bouts of uncontrollable tears. I don't like it, but I tell it as it is. So, because you love me (oh come on, don't be afraid to admit it, the internet is a relatively safe forum when it comes to the heartfelt expressions of our undying love etc), I take it you want to know which movies/television shows/music/etc transform me from a moderately stable, often happy person into a quivering wreck, right? Well you're lucky, because that's what you're going to find out.

Movies: Don't lie. You've watched Marley & Me, you used to own a dog, and you were watching the end bit and in tears, right? Doesn't that sum up pretty much everyone who watched that movie? I've read the book too, but books don't tend to make me go soft - I need the visual attached to the story. But yes, I'm going to come right out and tell you that when I first went to see that movie with three good friends, three of the four of us were blubbering by the end (Note: the one guy not crying, the most likely to cry in any other movie - trust me, has not and has never owned a pet). I watched it again the next year by myself in an English hotel room and yet again, I teared up. Sue me. But it isn't just overly depressing movies about dogs (SPOILER! SPOILER! For the people who have a go at me when I disclose even the tiniest little plot point) getting put down that get me bawling - oh no, there are more.

Have you seen Freedom Writers? Every time I watch that movie, regardless of how much I prepare it for mentally and how little attention I pay to the beginning of the movie, as soon as you reach the middle section with Marcus and Miep Gies and they do the whole Anne Frank scene, I am invariably sitting and crying my eyes at, and trying to work out if everyone else watching with me is as well. What can I say? I'm Jewish, it hits a nerve? To be honest, I'm not sure, but when I first watched it with a hundred other people, I don't think there were many dry eyes.

Of course, when I was younger, I cried at everything. Some movie called Spirit about a horse? I remember crying in that even though to this day I have no idea what exactly the plot was. Turns out, though, that wasn't the only animated movie that could set me off. Just recently, I was bawling like a newborn in Toy Story 3. The cinema - three of us girls who've actually become invested in the characters over the two prior movies; several harried mothers attempting to chain their children to the comfy leather seats (my friends and I are big ole' spenders) and several schools of kindegartners (one of whom, I have to let you know, was wearing a trucker cap, oversized Man United jersey and big ass silver chains - the original six year old gangster?). When it got to the garbage dump, or Andy saying goodbye to Woody, us three were pratically on the floor crying, and all the little kids were laughing and throwing popcorn. Age gap, it's evident.

Music: I go through phases where different things make me cry, because I'm an unpredictable wreck. Music is particularly topsy turvy - when especially emotional periods of my life are around, I'll cry at anything. Judge me all you like (or don't, please don't), but after my grandfather died I couldn't listen to the Charlie Chaplin version of Smile as done by the cast of Glee without bursting out into tears - clearly the song did not achieve its goal. Other songs that have made this elite list include Superman by Five For Fighting, Together We'll Ring In The New Year by Motion City Soundtrack, Caught In The Crowd by Kate Miller-Heidke, You and Me by Lifehouse...Can you tell that I'm probably in need of some form of medication? I'm joking. That was a joke.
This is why I've not gone into comedy.

Television shows: So far you've gathered that I'm massively overemotional in select situations, and television shows are no different - you sit me down with a finale of a show that I have loved for years, or a character that I've become really attached to dying, or any given episode of Cold Case that has to do with the death of a child, and BAM, I'm in that same state. Did I cry in the Scrubs finale? Maybe - mind you, not the Med School series, because that was ... a whole different animal. This is why I avoid most hospital shows - too many characters I like would die (I watch ER sometimes and I really shouldn't), or shows where people dying is an everyday event. Really, it's quite alarming that I got into Lost, considering the amount of death that show carries with it.

Now I'm finished this post.
Oh...I'm going to cry.

I'm JOKING YOU WEIRDOS.

The Bachelor: London Calling 29/6 - I do watch this crap, still

So, you know how my blog posts are either hilarious, or about crap TV shows, and are always ridiculously long? Yeah, this is one of those ones about a crap TV show, which just so happens to be The Bachelor. No one else appreciates my general thoughts, so I just post them where no one will ever need to read them again. The show aired last Tuesday, and I'm a little bit late to the viewing party, which is interrupting my general work flow - there's another episode tonight on Go! if them crazy bitches are your kind of thing. Still, Operation Bachelor: London Calling is a go.

Previously, lots of things happened. Chis takes pleasure in outlining this all for us. I did kind of miss last week, which involved a premiere, rugby, massages, and Robin - the classical pianist - is not liked by many. Anyway, Chris goes on to pre-cap the entire episode, just in case we don't really want to watch it or, like me, just watch it for the hilarity. Apparently Stoner - Shayne - is still in the running, which is pretty amazing.  Kelly, Chelsey, Stoner, Ashley, Noelle and Robin are going on a "date" (if you can call them that), which is in search for a "perfect match", which is some terrible tennis pun, and also there are tea cups.

Matt's wearing his gangster tracksuit to battle it out with a bunch of girls who cannot play tennis, excluding Singer-Songwriter Ashleigh/Ashley, and Kelly, and Chelsey, which Stoner is not happy about. Matt has gone all crazy about Chelsey/Chelsea, and is gaping, and Stoner is an ex-Gymnast (PICKED IT!). Ashley/Ashleigh/Ashlee's name appears to actually be the latest one. She's not completely...all there, in the head, and Matt had to explain "taking it in her stride" to her, which is not attractive (although we all know guys love a good bimbo). And now she's singing, of course, as they do, and now they're making out. Seriously, I look older than that girl. Unsurprisingly, all of the girls hate her. Ad break.

Post tennis match, it's tea time. They're all pretending to be English, and all the guys are shooting hate laser beams at the classical pianist Robin. Kelly, fifty year old smoker voice, is displeased. Chelsea (who is that?) considers Robin the most competitive. Matt loves spending time with her, and if I could wink over the internet, I would wink right now. Robin feels blessed. Yawn. Over at Girl Camp, Stoner is getting her bitch claws out, and she says that she "honestly just told Robin honest truth" because no one else has had a turn at private time. Must say, I side with Classical Pianist, it's not their choice who gets alone time. Robin is crying, Kelly doesn't buy it, and now Stoner is awkward backtracking and then WHOA suddenly we're back at the mansion.

Marshanna is displeased that she did not get the one on one. Marshanna feels like she's the underdog, and needs to pack, and Amanda's got the one on one date. Blah. All of the girls make Matt feel privelliged, but "NONE OF YA'LL BITCHES AS MUCH AS CHELSEA". Ashlee is all "does what we have mean NOTHING?" because I'm pretty sure there are too many hormones flying around this house. Ad break. That's okay, I'm tired.

The soundtrack to this show is terrible. Amanda is getting ready for the one-on-one date, and she's going vixen. Some girl whose name I do not know calls her a raging slut, which is exactly the look she's going for. Creepy, pervy Matt is creepy and pervy. Apparently this is a 1950's date, in which they will be very romantic and go to a diner. Amanda: "I felt like I was stepping back in time to a time I wasn't even alive in". Amanda is apprently the all American girl, beautiful and smart etc. Matt says there's a geeky side to her, and if that qualifies as geeky, then what am I? Matt is a terrible dancer, apparently. Well, the show isn't called The Bachelor: Dancing King. Holly and Marshana are going to be cooking on this date. Marshana has serious anger issues. DITCH HER, DITCH HER, DITCH HER. Her rationalising is "Pick me, pick me, pick me, see how beautiful I am...blah...I really think we have something...blah". Back in the 50's, Amanda is getting some shpeel, with a side of a rose. And now they're going to the pier, where rollercoasters and Ferris Wheels are abundant, and then they make out at the top of the Ferris Wheel. Ad break.

GIrl whose name I keep forgetting appears to be Holly, Children's Book Author, and she and Marshana are off to their tension-SMASH date. People on this show are so overdramatic. Marshana and Holly are having an "I am willing to move away from the States" competition. They're basically competing for whose more willing to leave their home. Marshana and Matt are having some 'alone time' *wink*, and Holly is perving over. Marshana and Matt make out, but he's just stringing her along. Holly and Matt are on the bed, and Matt's blabbering on about his boring side where he "wants to know what's going on in the Middle East, and what's resilient in the financial market and stuff"...so, basically, I'm boring. Holly and Matt are alone in a room and yet they're whispering and Holly's idea of boring is "watching movies". Whatever. At the house, the girls are speculating, and Stoner is SURE that Holly is coming home, and won't hear a word otherwise. Anyway, on the date, hi-fives, Marshana got the rose. Despite her obvious emotional issues, I strongly dislike Holly at the moment.

HOW DO I STILL HAVE HALF AN HOUR LEFT? Stoner is displeased by the outcome of the date. And....ad break.

Over at the mansion, prior to the rose ceremony, the girls are all dressed up and straightened and tanned within an inch of their lives or whatever that phrase is. Ashlee appears to be wearing an excessively slutty dress, and Matt is asking her the tough questions, about how their connection is physical and musical but what can she do outside of that. Ashlee is attempting a metaphor, and failing dramatically. Ohai, Noelle, where have you been? Matt's all up for the tough questions tonight. Noelle is trying to communicate that her feelings are REAL and RAW and more. Kelly, on her one on one time, but her body language is terrible (she's wearing a markedly slutty dress). Apparently he sees her as less of a fun person with him, and then she just tore her shirt open (WHAT? WHY?) and hit her head on a table. IS SHE EVER NOT DRUNK? Now, he's trying to pin down Stoner (Shanye, if you forgot). Shayne wants him to send everyone else home, and tries to convince him that she's into him and what why I don't even why did that inspire a make out session? Matt no longer wants to be sombre. Whatever. Hiccup girl just hiccupped, and someone was excessively rude and said "Stop it". I am offended by that string of events.

Time to give out roses to various women. Chelsea, Amanda and Marshana are covered by their pre-purchased roses, but the others are all competing. Stoner is administering her best "I'm famous" pose. I reckon stripper Kelly is gone. Stoner gets the first rose. Robin, tea-drinker and classical pianist, gets the second. Oh, hi Phil, "This is the final rose tonight". Oh, shut up Phil, we know. Noelle gets the next rose (I like her, she seems genuine), and Sparkly bra Kelly and Singer/Songwriter Ashlee are gone. Ashlee is an emotional wreck and I am genuinely worried she'll pass out.

I need to switch this off now, I can feel myself losing brain cells.

A rant in which I defend Canberra

I am going to admit straight off that within the people I know, Canberra is seen as a bit of a hole. Essentially, us proud, sheltered (that one refers specifically to us) Sydneysiders have our beaches and our multiple shopping centres and more people than you can poke a stick at, and we tend to look down on Canberra. After all, the ACT is essentially an island in the middle of New South Wales as far as we're concerned. We all think we're better off, and more privelleged than if we lived in Canberra, or one of the surrounding little towns. But having just returned from Canberra, I'd actually like to say a few words in its defence.

Though we've been brought up on a diet of looking down on tiny little Canberra, I actually quite like it there. I've been there so many times now that when my family drives around I can point at nearly every hotel and recall the time I stayed there. I like a lot of things about Canberra, and I'll list them in my little rant, which is kind of going to be a rave, in retrospect. It just frustrates me. If there's anyone from Canberra reading this, are you as bitchy about us as we are about you? Because I'd hate to think that we give that bad of an expression.

But before I get into my minor little love affair with Canberra, I'd like to point out that I am and will probably always be a big city girl. I might not live right in a CBD, but I love the constant exposure to different people and loud noises and interesting sights and catching busy trains and eating out and going to shops with giant groups of people and dominating entire movie theatres etc. If I'm not in a city environment for a very long period of time, you have to give me a beach, at the very least, so I can occupy myself with the sun and the surf and a trashy book. I spend my summers on the beach, but that's about as relaxed as you get with me. And while I love and appreciate a short little weekend in the country, if I was to move there, I'd be kicking down the walls. My grandparents used to take me to a little country town every summer, and if I lived in a town like that for more than a week, I would be bored out of my mind. 

That being said, by rights, Canberra is a city. Sure, there's no beach, which is kind of sad - I am ridiculously spoilt when it comes to where I live - but when you're actually in the city (which takes up quite a large amount of the state), Canberra's actually quite excellent. I know that probably sounds quite derrogatory, but I mean it in the best possible way. I love that if you're staying near the city centre, you're spoilt for choice when it comes to nice little restaurants. Where I stayed, I could walk to several all-night supermarkets, a Korean BBQ restaurant, a shopping centre, a Baskin & Robbins, a gym, an Irish pub, an Oportos (score)...ideal.

You know what else I absolutely loved? Despite this probably occuring in most cities, there was a place within walking distance where you could shop for shoes (ridiculously heeled, glittery, buckled up shoes, alongside Converse and Skechers, and green flats which have thousands of tiny swear words covering them) whilst getting your newest body piercing (you're spoilt for choice here too). I loved that you can drive to the snow in a couple of hours, that the staff at the national park were extremely friendly, that when you need desperately to kill time you can drive around the embassies, that the woman behind the counter of a place I was buying presents at had a discussion with me about Rocky Road...I love a lot of things about it. Sometimes small isn't automatically bad.

Sure, the Sydney CBD may or may not be the size of pretty much the entirety of Canberra, but there are things about that place that are just great, despite the negative hype. Okay, the road names aren't very original, and the consistensy of signage in the area is ridiculous (Michelago? Micelago? I don't know what's right and what's wrong, but c'mon guys, spellcheck!), and the sign for speeding on the way into the city reads "Drive N Text, U B Next"...but don't judge a city that can't do anything to shake off that reputation. It's actually not that bad.