The People's Solution - A Proposal

Members of parliament, ladies and gentlemen, I come before you today to present to you an idea that I wish to be considered at the present time of governmental upheaval. As I am sure you are all aware, the Australian government is “hung” at the moment – neither of the main political powers have secured the seventy-six required seats in the house of representatives to take over as Australia's governing party. This is where I propose to input my solution. In case you weren't aware, my name is Sara, and I am the head of Marketing Australia, and we have been employed by the government to come up with a way to resolve the conflict for power and end this constant waiting endured by the people of Australia.

After much thought from all across the company, we have come together to develop our plan, which we call “The People's Solution”. Instead of calling for another election, which would only tire the people and lead to further unnecessary waiting (excluding the obvious issue that the outcome would most likely be identical to the current one), or handing the power over to those inside the government to decide, which would inevitably incorporate elements of political bias and corruption, we envision to give the public power over the overall result, while still ensuring that there will be a clear outcome by the end of the campaign, and also exhibiting the powers and ideals of each prospective party in a practical and accessible way.

 It is well known that Australia is fast claiming it's stake at the title of “Fattest nation in the world”, due to an increase in portion sizes, fast food, and of course, the popularity of activities such as television and computers. It is practically the 'Australian way' to sit by the television at night watching Masterchef. Yet it has been noted by my researchers that current point in time, surrounding the election, prime time television is considered unsatisfactory by the vast majority of Australian viewers. Our solution aims to solve this problem simultaneously with the parliamentary battle, and focus groups have found that the public almost unanimously agrees that our solution is not only the most viable, but will also be the most entertaining and efficient,



7:30 at night will no longer be a time dreaded by fans of compelling viewing, for this is where or solution will find itself. Each night, a challenge will take place between the current Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, and leader of the coalition, Tony Abbott, and will be nationally broadcast on whichever free to air channel has the highest bid (which will be a huge economic benefit as well, as the bids should be astronomical considering the amount of extra viewers that will be tuning into their televisions per episode), as well as live streamed over the internet for those who prefer. Each night will draw inspiration from the most successful television shows of the past, and the growing trend in reality television specifically, and will exhibit policies and ensure that each of the candidates are accessible and relatable to the average Australian viewer. To make sure the concept doesn't “tire out” the nation, we will not air the show each night, but rather alternate – Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays will all feature an episode of this show, which will go down in the history books.



At the end of each night, the Australian public will be given the opportunity to vote for the candidate who they believe performed the best, and each night the votes will counted. Each episode will have a winner, and after a few weeks the wins will be counted and the candidate with the most overall votes will be named Australian Prime Minister. While the waiting aspect of this hung parliament situation will not be eradicated, it will be a much more enjoyable process and time will fly by far more quickly for those who become avid watchers – and I can ensure the channel that does take this on board that viewers will be in the millions, and revenue will be increased dramatically. Not only will the overall winner win the coveted position as Prime Minister, but also win the hearts of the nation in the process.



How, you ask, do we propose to juggle all of these vital aspects while also promising to demonstrate policies and ideas to the public? Each episode will be themed, and the candidates challenged to not only perform the best but also to incorporate and put in practice their ideas about all of the election hotspots – what does the party intend on doing about the growing issue of obesity, the environment, health, broadband, boat people...after the series has run its course, the largely ignorant public will be enlightened as to what exactly will happen when the winner begins their governing.



You may claim that this idea is good in theory, but wonder how effective it will be when implemented. Allow me to share a few preliminary examples of episodes that we have plotted out. Take, for example, the issue of obesity. Prime Ministerial candidates will be put into a Biggest Loser type scenario, but they will be given the role of trainers, forced to put their ideas into viable exercise and health plans, while sharing their policies with the country in side interviews. The candidate who Australia deems as the most successful in this area will be the winner of the night. The candidates will also be forced to cope with high stress situations, and become more and more comfortable with cameras being privy to their lives, which is essential if they intend on one day being in the highest position of power Australia can do.



How each government will handle indigenous affairs is something of a grey area at the moment, but in this show each candidate will be forced to convey these ideas to an audience and a panel of judges – through interpretive dance! So You Think You Can Dance has been a ratings smash not only in Australia but also in the United States of America, and this challenge would serve not only as quality entertainment, but would also be informative and enlightening to the viewer, and would give each Prime Ministerial candidate the chance to express themselves in a new, on-trend fashion that they would otherwise never look into.



Environmental issues have been largely avoided by the Prime Minster and leader of the opposition, with their focuses being steadily fixed on other areas. However, by leaving the competitors on a beautiful tropical island in the Pacific, and being forced to fend for themselves (in an environmentally friendly fashion, of course), and also to compete in challenges that would set the opponents face-to-face with the nature being directly affected by our carbon emissions and unethical practices, akin to the long running, smash hit show Survivor. This would also draw International attention the the Australian television industry as our last attempt at Survivor is seen by America to have brought shame on our country.



The competitors could show how knowledgeable they are about international affairs and trade links by creating dishes that represent a wide variety of countries Australia share close ties with, in order to create an internationally spanning meal to be judged by an experienced panel, and then again by the Australian public, as per the shock success, Masterchef. They will be challenged to demonstrate the benefits of their broadband plans by composing songs to be performed in front of large audiences and knowledgeable judges, bringing to mind the long running talent show Australian Idol. They will even be forced to show off their true character and social skills by being forced to live in a large room together alongside some of our most famous and infamous politicians, a la Big Brother, in which their true colours are almost definitely going to be exposed. The real real Julia Gillard may even be exposed.



As you can clearly see, there really is only one way of drawing this never ending election battle to a close that will manage to be informative, entertaining and effective, and that is ours – The People's Solution. If you thought you had seen everything there was to see about the people in the running to be the leader of your country, you were more wrong than previously conceivable. In a world where “reality television” is no longer a reflection of real life, and the word “government” can scarcely be spoken without bringing to mind the word “corruption”, The People's Solution seeks to break this mould and show Australia a side of the governing politicians that they did not even know existed. I plead that you take this proposed solution on, in an aim to maximise the enjoyability and double the effectiveness of the campaign in one easily implemented step. Thank you for your consideration.
 
Note: This was written for an assignment, and is purely satirical. It was a satire assignment. Clearly. Also, if you plan on stealing it (for your own obscure reasons), reference me and my genius etc etc.
 
Also note: My mother wanted me to put this up. You know how she gets.

File under "Cry, things that make me"

Caution: I promise that other than things like this, I am quite a well-rounded, likeable person. Ha ha ha.

I probably don't come off as an excessively emotional person. You're probably largely off base. While in day to day life I tend to...overuse humour in the place of getting all emotional...(although humour should be in inverted commas because humorous it may or may not be), I'm going to make a confession here - I'm a ridiculously unstable person, which means I go through ridiculously unstable emotions and phases where I am, basically, a giant cry baby. My mental stability is almost as questionable as, you know, my social life, etc. It's pretty inexplicable but hit a raw nerve when I'm having a bad day and I'll well up, and then get really angry to mask that. I'm good with the sudden bouts of inexplicable anger.

But apart from that, crying is something that is reserved for the home, and it turns out, the movie theatre. When it comes to movies, it turns out I am essentially a giant marshmallow, with the added bonus that the marshmallow isn't just a softie but also prone to bouts of uncontrollable tears. I don't like it, but I tell it as it is. So, because you love me (oh come on, don't be afraid to admit it, the internet is a relatively safe forum when it comes to the heartfelt expressions of our undying love etc), I take it you want to know which movies/television shows/music/etc transform me from a moderately stable, often happy person into a quivering wreck, right? Well you're lucky, because that's what you're going to find out.

Movies: Don't lie. You've watched Marley & Me, you used to own a dog, and you were watching the end bit and in tears, right? Doesn't that sum up pretty much everyone who watched that movie? I've read the book too, but books don't tend to make me go soft - I need the visual attached to the story. But yes, I'm going to come right out and tell you that when I first went to see that movie with three good friends, three of the four of us were blubbering by the end (Note: the one guy not crying, the most likely to cry in any other movie - trust me, has not and has never owned a pet). I watched it again the next year by myself in an English hotel room and yet again, I teared up. Sue me. But it isn't just overly depressing movies about dogs (SPOILER! SPOILER! For the people who have a go at me when I disclose even the tiniest little plot point) getting put down that get me bawling - oh no, there are more.

Have you seen Freedom Writers? Every time I watch that movie, regardless of how much I prepare it for mentally and how little attention I pay to the beginning of the movie, as soon as you reach the middle section with Marcus and Miep Gies and they do the whole Anne Frank scene, I am invariably sitting and crying my eyes at, and trying to work out if everyone else watching with me is as well. What can I say? I'm Jewish, it hits a nerve? To be honest, I'm not sure, but when I first watched it with a hundred other people, I don't think there were many dry eyes.

Of course, when I was younger, I cried at everything. Some movie called Spirit about a horse? I remember crying in that even though to this day I have no idea what exactly the plot was. Turns out, though, that wasn't the only animated movie that could set me off. Just recently, I was bawling like a newborn in Toy Story 3. The cinema - three of us girls who've actually become invested in the characters over the two prior movies; several harried mothers attempting to chain their children to the comfy leather seats (my friends and I are big ole' spenders) and several schools of kindegartners (one of whom, I have to let you know, was wearing a trucker cap, oversized Man United jersey and big ass silver chains - the original six year old gangster?). When it got to the garbage dump, or Andy saying goodbye to Woody, us three were pratically on the floor crying, and all the little kids were laughing and throwing popcorn. Age gap, it's evident.

Music: I go through phases where different things make me cry, because I'm an unpredictable wreck. Music is particularly topsy turvy - when especially emotional periods of my life are around, I'll cry at anything. Judge me all you like (or don't, please don't), but after my grandfather died I couldn't listen to the Charlie Chaplin version of Smile as done by the cast of Glee without bursting out into tears - clearly the song did not achieve its goal. Other songs that have made this elite list include Superman by Five For Fighting, Together We'll Ring In The New Year by Motion City Soundtrack, Caught In The Crowd by Kate Miller-Heidke, You and Me by Lifehouse...Can you tell that I'm probably in need of some form of medication? I'm joking. That was a joke.
This is why I've not gone into comedy.

Television shows: So far you've gathered that I'm massively overemotional in select situations, and television shows are no different - you sit me down with a finale of a show that I have loved for years, or a character that I've become really attached to dying, or any given episode of Cold Case that has to do with the death of a child, and BAM, I'm in that same state. Did I cry in the Scrubs finale? Maybe - mind you, not the Med School series, because that was ... a whole different animal. This is why I avoid most hospital shows - too many characters I like would die (I watch ER sometimes and I really shouldn't), or shows where people dying is an everyday event. Really, it's quite alarming that I got into Lost, considering the amount of death that show carries with it.

Now I'm finished this post.
Oh...I'm going to cry.

I'm JOKING YOU WEIRDOS.

The Bachelor: London Calling 29/6 - I do watch this crap, still

So, you know how my blog posts are either hilarious, or about crap TV shows, and are always ridiculously long? Yeah, this is one of those ones about a crap TV show, which just so happens to be The Bachelor. No one else appreciates my general thoughts, so I just post them where no one will ever need to read them again. The show aired last Tuesday, and I'm a little bit late to the viewing party, which is interrupting my general work flow - there's another episode tonight on Go! if them crazy bitches are your kind of thing. Still, Operation Bachelor: London Calling is a go.

Previously, lots of things happened. Chis takes pleasure in outlining this all for us. I did kind of miss last week, which involved a premiere, rugby, massages, and Robin - the classical pianist - is not liked by many. Anyway, Chris goes on to pre-cap the entire episode, just in case we don't really want to watch it or, like me, just watch it for the hilarity. Apparently Stoner - Shayne - is still in the running, which is pretty amazing.  Kelly, Chelsey, Stoner, Ashley, Noelle and Robin are going on a "date" (if you can call them that), which is in search for a "perfect match", which is some terrible tennis pun, and also there are tea cups.

Matt's wearing his gangster tracksuit to battle it out with a bunch of girls who cannot play tennis, excluding Singer-Songwriter Ashleigh/Ashley, and Kelly, and Chelsey, which Stoner is not happy about. Matt has gone all crazy about Chelsey/Chelsea, and is gaping, and Stoner is an ex-Gymnast (PICKED IT!). Ashley/Ashleigh/Ashlee's name appears to actually be the latest one. She's not completely...all there, in the head, and Matt had to explain "taking it in her stride" to her, which is not attractive (although we all know guys love a good bimbo). And now she's singing, of course, as they do, and now they're making out. Seriously, I look older than that girl. Unsurprisingly, all of the girls hate her. Ad break.

Post tennis match, it's tea time. They're all pretending to be English, and all the guys are shooting hate laser beams at the classical pianist Robin. Kelly, fifty year old smoker voice, is displeased. Chelsea (who is that?) considers Robin the most competitive. Matt loves spending time with her, and if I could wink over the internet, I would wink right now. Robin feels blessed. Yawn. Over at Girl Camp, Stoner is getting her bitch claws out, and she says that she "honestly just told Robin honest truth" because no one else has had a turn at private time. Must say, I side with Classical Pianist, it's not their choice who gets alone time. Robin is crying, Kelly doesn't buy it, and now Stoner is awkward backtracking and then WHOA suddenly we're back at the mansion.

Marshanna is displeased that she did not get the one on one. Marshanna feels like she's the underdog, and needs to pack, and Amanda's got the one on one date. Blah. All of the girls make Matt feel privelliged, but "NONE OF YA'LL BITCHES AS MUCH AS CHELSEA". Ashlee is all "does what we have mean NOTHING?" because I'm pretty sure there are too many hormones flying around this house. Ad break. That's okay, I'm tired.

The soundtrack to this show is terrible. Amanda is getting ready for the one-on-one date, and she's going vixen. Some girl whose name I do not know calls her a raging slut, which is exactly the look she's going for. Creepy, pervy Matt is creepy and pervy. Apparently this is a 1950's date, in which they will be very romantic and go to a diner. Amanda: "I felt like I was stepping back in time to a time I wasn't even alive in". Amanda is apprently the all American girl, beautiful and smart etc. Matt says there's a geeky side to her, and if that qualifies as geeky, then what am I? Matt is a terrible dancer, apparently. Well, the show isn't called The Bachelor: Dancing King. Holly and Marshana are going to be cooking on this date. Marshana has serious anger issues. DITCH HER, DITCH HER, DITCH HER. Her rationalising is "Pick me, pick me, pick me, see how beautiful I am...blah...I really think we have something...blah". Back in the 50's, Amanda is getting some shpeel, with a side of a rose. And now they're going to the pier, where rollercoasters and Ferris Wheels are abundant, and then they make out at the top of the Ferris Wheel. Ad break.

GIrl whose name I keep forgetting appears to be Holly, Children's Book Author, and she and Marshana are off to their tension-SMASH date. People on this show are so overdramatic. Marshana and Holly are having an "I am willing to move away from the States" competition. They're basically competing for whose more willing to leave their home. Marshana and Matt are having some 'alone time' *wink*, and Holly is perving over. Marshana and Matt make out, but he's just stringing her along. Holly and Matt are on the bed, and Matt's blabbering on about his boring side where he "wants to know what's going on in the Middle East, and what's resilient in the financial market and stuff"...so, basically, I'm boring. Holly and Matt are alone in a room and yet they're whispering and Holly's idea of boring is "watching movies". Whatever. At the house, the girls are speculating, and Stoner is SURE that Holly is coming home, and won't hear a word otherwise. Anyway, on the date, hi-fives, Marshana got the rose. Despite her obvious emotional issues, I strongly dislike Holly at the moment.

HOW DO I STILL HAVE HALF AN HOUR LEFT? Stoner is displeased by the outcome of the date. And....ad break.

Over at the mansion, prior to the rose ceremony, the girls are all dressed up and straightened and tanned within an inch of their lives or whatever that phrase is. Ashlee appears to be wearing an excessively slutty dress, and Matt is asking her the tough questions, about how their connection is physical and musical but what can she do outside of that. Ashlee is attempting a metaphor, and failing dramatically. Ohai, Noelle, where have you been? Matt's all up for the tough questions tonight. Noelle is trying to communicate that her feelings are REAL and RAW and more. Kelly, on her one on one time, but her body language is terrible (she's wearing a markedly slutty dress). Apparently he sees her as less of a fun person with him, and then she just tore her shirt open (WHAT? WHY?) and hit her head on a table. IS SHE EVER NOT DRUNK? Now, he's trying to pin down Stoner (Shanye, if you forgot). Shayne wants him to send everyone else home, and tries to convince him that she's into him and what why I don't even why did that inspire a make out session? Matt no longer wants to be sombre. Whatever. Hiccup girl just hiccupped, and someone was excessively rude and said "Stop it". I am offended by that string of events.

Time to give out roses to various women. Chelsea, Amanda and Marshana are covered by their pre-purchased roses, but the others are all competing. Stoner is administering her best "I'm famous" pose. I reckon stripper Kelly is gone. Stoner gets the first rose. Robin, tea-drinker and classical pianist, gets the second. Oh, hi Phil, "This is the final rose tonight". Oh, shut up Phil, we know. Noelle gets the next rose (I like her, she seems genuine), and Sparkly bra Kelly and Singer/Songwriter Ashlee are gone. Ashlee is an emotional wreck and I am genuinely worried she'll pass out.

I need to switch this off now, I can feel myself losing brain cells.

Masterchef...if you were watching State of Origin on the 16/6

WARNING: Yet another excessively long post

It's Masterchef time, which sadly (in the case of others) clashes with State Of Origin - sorry if I'm not into witnessing my team fail pathetically. After than convinient recap of the entire game, thank you voiceover man, it's time for a team challenge, on a plane, and Jonathan's one team captain, in yet another pink shirt (a polo shirt this time, improvement?). He's decided to lead blue, and of course the first person he picks is Joanne - douchery will reign supreme.

Blue team: Jonathan, Callum, Adam, Alvin and Claire, Marion
Red team: Joanne, Aaron, Matthew, Adam

I don't want to root for either team, but I'm going to (as much as it kills me) have to go blue - purely because they've got Marion, and her chirpiness isn't annoying yet.. They both have crap leaders. I probably hate the about equally. So the challenge is they have to cook a three course menu for business class passengers on an A380 plane. Ohai Neil Perry! He's big on plane food, he cooks it heaps. He's talking, but it's boring, and advicey. He wants to make sure the presentation is beautiful, and the flavour is great - oh, because all of my plane food is IMMACULATELY prepared. Psht. Also, no knives on planes. Oh hey, they're also getting in the CEO of Qantas. Matt's talking. Matt's too cool for this show. Joanne has opted to wear an annoying scarf. Typical.

Joanne's thinking Asian. Jonathan's not thinking. That happens a lot. They're in the pantry, because they've planned their menus, and dear god, please don't forget ingredients this time. Seafood, on a plane? Okay. Also, Quail. Seriously? Call my unsophisticated, but I would NOT want to be on this flight. Except for those desserts. Gary's making terrible puns. Jonathan wants to change menu ideas, Marion thinks it's too late. Marion should be a team leader. We cut to an ad break, time to madly obsess on Twitter. You know, as I do.

***

Anyway, dusk has fallen. Someone in a red apron is holding pasta. Why do they show us this crap? Marion's explaining the process, and how the meals will be taken away in trolleys to be prepared. But will they be Coles trolleys, that is the question? Oooh, Matthew's making a chocolate macadamia fudge cake. I must eat now. Gary must be the person they employ strictly to make dodgy puns. Joanne's made up face is going to give me nightmares. She looks like an (uglier) porcelain doll. Both teams are making prawn entrees and Quail for mains. That's kind of ridiculous.

OH NO! NO FRESH HERBS ON THE PLANE! Oh wait, I thought something really dramatic had happened. Ha! Gary's expecting perfection, and so he should, because this IS Masterchef. Joanne's stressed. She's always stressed. The blue team appear to be slightly in control, which means they'll lose. Oh, Masterchef. People are slow, the red team have not packed. They kind of need to get this together. FIREBALL. Ad break. Shameless Masterchef tinted advertising begins.

***

More plating up. This is kind of dull. Matthew's cakes have caved in, and he worries that they won't hold up in transport. Whatever, it's chocolate. Chocolate always wins. Glad wrap paid a lot for that quick little shot. Alvin is all "OH MY GOD WE DID IT *SQEEE*" and the entire team breaks out into a mass choreographed number, but not really.

Anyway, it appears to be the next part now, and they are walking towards a massive, "monolithic" plane (thanks, there, Matthew). The itty bitty kitchen is adorable. Marion is disappointed with her dish. WHAT? They don't even have to put up with motion sickness? They serve it to the judges who are SITTING AT A TABLE? That's just made the entire episode kind of...redundant, no?

Gary thinks Marion's entree dish lacks crunch. Neil thinks it looks "claggy and furry" and "for lack of a better word". He should have said "words", and what the fuck is claggy? I think I nitpick too much. Matt thinks it doesn't pop. CEO thinks it's so-so. Neil Perry stays quiet now. That's nice.
Claire's main quail dish looks a bit "naked" as she puts it. Judging panel are not amused. The smell's good though, says CEO. Neil Perry chews thoughtfully. He thinks it smells better than it looks, and is disappointingly presented. Matt agrees. Gary is holding on for dessert with his fingers crossed. Please don't fail, team blue. I really hate Joanne.
I just really like fudge cake. CEO and Matt rave about Matthew's fudge cake, but they haven't even tasted it yet. Neil Perry claims that this might very well be their saviour. Matt is just a littble bit in love with this fudge cake. CEO says something, but I can't hear it over the annoyingness of his accent.

Over in red, now. Their poached prawns entree looks crap, and Joanne totally screwed up on the vegetables, which look completely unappetising. Chefs are picky. They liked the prawns, but they didn't looooove them. Also, Joanne's vegetables are almost as repulsive as her face (obligatory childish Joanne diss).
Teriyaki Quail meal time. Joanne thinks their dish is better than the blue team's. The chefs are excited by the meal. It does look kind of yummy. Neil Perry is in love, and thinks it's "damn delicious". CEO's lips are moving, but I'm not getting anything from it. It all comes down the dessert, says Matt, and continues to state the bleeding obvious.
Callum's dish looks "dodgy as", which is another reason I'm not on Masterchef (again, there's also the "bad at cooking" thing). Apparently these are Quinelles. Neil asked a question and I didn't hear it because my dad responded "BECAUSE THEY'RE WANKERS". Neil is dissatisfied with the presentation, but apparently it tastes nice, says Gary. CEO disagrees. Joanne, Mother, NSW, is happy with what they put up.

Apparently this is pretty close. Hahahahahahahaha. Blue are going to lose, which sucks, because Joanne will be here forever. I swear, we'll never get rid of her. Jonathan, who has changed into his OTHER pink shirt, does not want to face elimination yet again. Adam's dish (teriyaki quail) was the standout, but Joanne's vegetables suck. Joanne has decided to respond to the judges, rudely, because Joanne is RUDE. Callum's presentation was a total letdown. IT'S MASTERCHEF, may I remind you, NOT MASTERPLATEUP.
The dessert kicked ass, but Marion's dish lacked "zing and zip" and was the worst of the day - oh no, Marion! Marion was not happy with that dish, and at least she's being honest. The main dish was all gross and such, but we've heard it all before and I am over this now. Commerical break, of course.

***

Gary notifies us that there can only be one winner (thanks again there, Gary), and of course, it's the red team. Everyone on Twitter smashed their keyboard in frustration. Blue team is up for elimination. Everyone's sad. Everyone hates Joanne, excluding herself. The red team are told to enjoy their lunch, and they leave. Jonathan's ego has taken quite a blow. That was necessary, and beneficial.

Marion cries. If she goes home, 'twould suck. Claire's up for her first elimination, which is nice and fair. Claire's got nothing to go back home to, she tells her little sob story, no one is moved. Tomorrow, someone will go home in a taste test. As per usual, the shorts give the entire show away. Anyhow, better TV is on now. Excuse me.

The Bachelor: London Calling 15/6 - I do watch this crap

I'm about five minutes behind, but I'm going to write about the crazy awful shit that I watch in my spare time. They have decided this show is now America's Next Top Model, with more people whose names I don't know. Sleezy englishman is sleezy, called Matt, and says things like "Go honey". And "Yeah baby". Kind of creepy. Every single girl here pisses me off, except Holly, who moonwalked. MOONWALK? AWESOME. A show can be crap as, as long as you get in a moonwalk. And then some girl called Amanda took her shirt off. And this was a date. And egad, you best believe I'm not going to stop talking. This is also going to be a long ass post.

Matt urges that they "not get dressed" which only cements the fact that he's a massive creep, and up next not only do they "gamble for Matt's heart", but some girl sings, and we have the first major mental breakdown of this season. I feel like I lose about a hundred brain cells every time I even watch this show.

Matt is kinda turned on by the modelling "date", so he takes them up to the penthouse suite. This slow gets sleezier by the minute. Marshana, or someone, has cornered Matt, and is asking him big questions in a "fun" environment, and Matt reveals that he picked her because "she's beautiful" (objectify women, much?) and "the colour of her skin is amazing" and seriously, Matt? And oh dear, someone else wrote a song. Is there a dodgy songwriter every season? Is Michelle the new Wes? CAN I HATE HER VEHEMENTLY NOW? Such subtle lyrics - "I want to touch you, I want you to touch me" - and the other singer in the house is pissed.

Suddenly, the girls are sitting around and a suitcase full of money arrives, so of course they're going to Vegas, and I swear, there's a girl wearing a fur lined jacket around the house. To differentiate herself, other singer/songwriter Ashlee takes Matt aside into the bedroom for a "chat", and all they ever seem to talk about are appearances, are you guys really that shallow? "You've got beautiful lips" *smooch*. Seriously, guys? Second episode in? Geez, sleazy much? And of course, she gets the rose. Obviously, because he thinks she's easy. I mean, how else do you make that kind of decision after knowing someone for a week.

Marshana thinks you should be excited, but humble too. Marshana is the queen of humble, clearly. Erin, who is 25, preaches that Ashlee is a "young 22", and it's inappropriate, and MAN, girls are hypocritical.

Matt is taking the girls to Paris, Las Vegas. Stoned Shayne is looking a lot more awake tonight, but I think she's assuming the role of space-case. I seriously have no idea who half these girls are. Essentially, they're all sitting around gambling and making terrible puns - "I think what I'll really be gambling with is my heart". Robin has never gambled before, so she's stealing him away, and Matt is offended that she's not a gambler. DUDE - Gambling isn't always a metaphor. I'm perfectly ready to take a risk in life, but I too hate gambling. Stoned Shayne lost all of her money, and this leads to her breakdown, clearly.  Kelly (the one who sounds like a fifty year old lifelong smoker) won the gambling battle, and wins a date, and then proceeds to skill an entire glass of champagne. I like her more than you'd guess, but I suspect she's drunk, even though she can "handle her alcohol".

Stoned Shayne is complaining. People on this show have terrible grammar. "There is other girls here". SHUT UP. Not only is Shayne stoned, but also whinging and breaking down because she doesn't feel she's being appreciated. Matt thinks she's having too much trouble, and it's not good. Shayne questions if it's worth it. It's not. Matt thinks Shayne is too attractive for him, but the drama is JUST TOO MUCH. Oh god. Seriously? Next: OH MY GOD THERE'S A FREAKING OPERA SINGER.

"Vegas is amazing, I'm taking all of the girls up to my room". Kelly is off her face. Shayne is stoned. This is ridiculous. I think there should be a rule against letting The Bachelor girls anywhere near alcohol. It's bloody ridiculous. Though I suppose people who can hold their alcohol don't go on a show like the Bachelor. I missed that shit with Chelsea. To be honest, I don't care. Stoned One is annoyed at the other girls for being so "giddy". Robin shows off her classical music skills.

Who's this girl? I actually like her. She makes me laugh. And not for the same reasons as the other crap people on this show. Erin S. The better Erin. The Erin who I don't hate. Matt's giving the rose to Chelsea, who is wearing a pretty shirt. Matt is being all romantic and shit and giving her a rose while sipping his beer. Stoner is offended at the lack of rose, despite the fact that she has acted like a total drama queen the entire episode. Girls are stupid. Stoner just expected him to fall in love with her. She would leave, but she feels for him. I hated her less for that one moment. I hate her again.

At yet another little party. Oh, they lead such hard lives. Matt is talking to Robin, and they appear to be trying to seduce each other. Seduce is a hilarious word. Robin appears to do nothing but kiss Matt. Matt just likes making out. Guy. Nobody likes Robin. Smoker Kelly is displeased, as is Marshana. Marshana's awesome. They're going to dance together, to no music. That whole idea is less romantic to me now. Matt's glad she's here. He wants to kiss her, but too many girls watching. Stoner is sitting inside, sulking. Carri, another annoying blonde, is OPERA SINGER. Matt is pretending to find this attractive. My mother is in hysterics on the couch. Bitchy Erin H has decided to sing for matt, because so is every other freaking person in this house.

Amanda R - Hiccup Girl - is complaining about her chronic hiccup problem. Shut up, embrace the hiccups, I have them too, and I work it. Awesome Erin claims that if she gets out tonight, she's going to make a massive scene and leave with a bang (totally what I would do, if you were wondering). Stoner claims that "emotions are beginning to come out", as opposed to last time when she cried in the bathroom and yelled at Matt about the unfairness of all of this. Matt "fancies the pants off her", and she's an actress - whoa. Stoner wants a rose. Surprise, surprise.

Marshana is giving matt a lap dance. That's...beyond disgusting. Random Blonde Amy is doing a shopping dance, and some girl is teaching him to "crank dat Soulja boi". In comes Chris Harrison, to announce that it's time to deliberate over the rose giving. Hells yes.

Chris recaps the episode even though we've just seen it. Hiccup Girl reacts exactly how I would in this situation, and hiccups. Loudly. I hope these girls all watched this as it aired in the states and locked themselves in their rooms for weeks. Classical Pianist Robin gets the first rose. Moonwalking Holly is next. AWESOME ERIN is next, thank god. Hiccup Girl gets through, and she was soulja boi girl as well, so I kind of love her. Smoker Kelly is next. Pointless tension. Random blonde gets a rose. So does Kristine, random blonde 2. Marshana too, which is totally predictable. Stoner's pissed. Photographer Noelle gets a rose, which is all cool. Chris comes in to pointlessly alert us to the fact that there's one rose remaining, oh really? Thanks for that, Chris. Stoner gets the last rose. No opera singer? Are you freaking kidding me?

Bitchy Erin's all "his loss". Heart-on-sleeve opera singer Carri is sad. "I wanna touch you" Michelle is gone, urging Matt to "seek out the good". She's going to go home to see her cat, to hear her purr again, because she's the love of her life at the moment. Egad, she was a crazy cat lady, good that you got her out now, Matt.But at least Stoner's around. For entertainment value.

...I'm sorry.

Oooh, Chelsea is crazily double jointed. That's awesome.

Why I was in love with Ash Ketchum

I'm going to issue a "TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE, MINDBLOWINGLY BAD PUN" warning at the beginning of this. I am ashamed, and yet also slightly proud.

As you may or may not know, dependent on how brilliant you are, when I was young my first ever "celebrity" crush was Ash Ketchum from Pokemon. "Why the hell is she telling us this now?" you ask, and here is my answer for you, apart from the basic reason that it's my blog and you can't have any input as to what I write. Anyway, I think celebrity crushes reveal a lot about you as a kid - yes, while most of my friends were in love with boy band members or boys from our school, I had a thing for a cartoon character (don't judge me). For a variety of reasons, actually.

I'm going to momentarily step out of my little rant and notify you that I was a severely cracked out child. When my younger sister was born, I was running around outside the hospital room dressed as a fairy princess telling everyone how pretty I was. Keep my complete and utter idiocy in mind.

Why exactly was I in love with Ash? I suppose the major thing was that he had balls (Oh god, please excuse the awful pun). I mean that in the non-crude way, and not even in the awesome, had a billion pokeballs kind of way. For a six or so year old girl, the coolest thing ever to me was the fact that this boy who can't have been more than ten and yet he was out there taking on the world, without supervision, being all badass. That kind of independence was something my six year old self was in awe of.

And then, you have the fighting evil part. Sure, not everyone who fought him was evil, but there's nothing cooler than a guy who was good, fighting evil. Team Rocket kept trying to bring him down, but he foiled them everytime (or, they foiled themselves. Such inefficient plans. They should have looked into that). Plus, he liked animals. Well, not animals, pokemon, but check out that bond he had with pikachu - it was adorable. I'm a sucked for soppiness, and that topped the list. It was so cute. And while Brock was out there going all starry eyed over every single nurse or policewoman, Ash was focused and ambitious. I suppose I had high standards.

I guess early celebrity crushes are kind of just echoes of what you move on to like later in life. I just thought I'd share the mechanics of this early little infatuation. I mean, now my hypthetical "perfect guy" list has progressed quite a bit - it's a joke between a friend of mine and I that every time we come out of a movie we add another criteria onto the list of things that this perfect guy can do - often stupid, mind you. We walked out of Race To Witch Mountain (yes, we went to see that. My friends and I will go and see ANYTHING if it involves leaving the house) and said "Right, he's got to be able to withstand the force of an entire car hitting him. Definitely".

Masterchef 13/6/10 - Twitter is down, WHAT DO I DO WITH MY LIFE?

And on Masterchef tonight, Twitter has decided to die on me. This is annoying, because I've become accustomed to my evenings watching Masterchef, following the feed on Twitter (because people who watch Masterchef are bloody hilarious, it turns out). Anyway, I've decided to do all my shiz over here, because the little "over capacity" whale refuses to disappear. This is going to be a giant post, don't say I didn't warn you. It may also contain genuine funniness, and overuse of the Caps lock key, and swearing, and whatever floats through my brain.

Anyway, tonight was a Julie Goodwin picked Mystery Box, containing a variety of ingredients! That is always a surprise. Marion's making dessert spring rolls, Callum's being "inspired" by Masterclass, whatever Joanne's making will surely be disgusting (as much as she is), other people have decided to make various kinds of food, Alvin is flustered, Jonathan is off being douchey in a corner (what a surprise). Alvin's dish is going to be spicy, much like his...commentary. After a rushed ten Masterchef seconds, we head to an ad break. Ad breaks are no fun without Twitter. What has the world come to?

***

People are standing at benches, Joanne looks like a really gross deer in headlights. Everyone's sweaty, only adding to my opinion that the level of hygiene on this show is not excellent. Alvin gets called up first with his "hodge podge" of a creation, and "hodge podge" is an excellent way of describing things. Matt describes Alvin's dish as "yum yuck", well done on your advanced vocabulary. Julie thinks his dish is beautiful. George is displeased with the level of chilli, but it's "pain that he loves". Obviously, he has a masochistic streak. He has "sweat beads of joy" too. This show doesn't get any better.

Marion's vegetable dessert is called up, and she smiles and is likable, which makes the audience uncomfortable - Masterchef contestants are not, as a rule, supposed to be likable. Matt calls the dish "great" and "classic Marion", and then says things which are so clearly euphamisms but I can't write them down here. Julie smiles Julie-ish-ly, and calls this dish beautiful as well. I think she needs to work on the vocabulary as well. No comment from Georgie.

Joanne wants to get picked, and doesn't. Makes her bitchface - easily confused with her normal face - when Callum gets picked. Julie tastes Callum's dish and calls it "delicious" and...wait for it...yep, there it is, it's a "beautiful dish". George asks Callum if he's happy, Callum is tempted to slap him. Callum and George riff about Callum's last crap dessert. Callum is a sensitive guy, and hurt by this, but George likes his dish tonight, so a sigh of relief can be breathed. Before the winner can be revealed, we ad break. I'd like less predictable ad breaks, please.

***

Marion wins. Twitter has returned to my life. Excellence. George is proud of Julie. Everyone loves Julie. Matthew speaks, so the audience doesn't forget he exists. Time for an invention test. Over to you, Twitter.

***

Update: Twitter is still not working so over to the "reinventing Australian classics" challenge. Marion has the power of choice, because free will is not an option in the Masterchef television. Her options are iced bobos, chiko rolls and OH MY GOSH GOLDEN GAYTIMES PLEASE PICK THE GOLDEN GAYTIMES. Instead, there's an excessively dramatic build up, and Marion picks the...chiko rolls. Callum is hurt inside. Matthew's never eaten a chiko roll in his life - me neither - and neither have many people in the Masterchef kitchen, particularly Joanne, becuase all her food was ethnic SHE'S LEBANESE IN CASE YOU FORGOT, ALSO TABOULI.
Alvin is flustered, Sharnee heads straight for the wine, Jonathan reaches for the eyeballs...oh wait, those are herbs. Still, Serial Killer roaming in the pantry. When time starts, ad breaks. Unfortunately, no one begins breakdancing. Masterchef is sadly lacking in breakdancing.

***

"This IS the invention test" - I love how people on Masterchef aren't afraid to spell out the bleeding obvious. Marion went with what was good for her, and is making...some form of deep fried crepe chiko roll. Inventive. Jonathan is going to "roll it, fry it, deep fry it" and you can be pretty sure he's talking about the bodies here, not the food. Callum's representing the "roll" idea with cylindrical shapes. He also wins with inventiveness, clearly. Gary thinks Callum's going bland, Callum nears tears.

George senses steamed buns, so obviously we're going to head over now to Alvin, who tells a fascinating anecdote that I don't care about. Unlike many others, Alvin is actually doing inventive. Sharnee is doing a fillet steak with potato etc cakes to represent the chiko roll. Gary pegs Marion, Alvin and Jonathan as the really successful ones in this test. Jonathan is taking an interesting approach on it, substituting beef with human liver. Adam is stir frying something. Not even the camera cares. Matthew is, like sharnee, deconstructing the chiko roll but Gary isn't getting that vibe. Gary's got his claws out tonight! I talk too much.

Everything's going wrong for Jonathan because the frying isn't working - apparently human body parts don't react too well in a frying pan. Some other stuff happens, and then we ad break.

***

Alvin is called up for tasting. He's really proud of it, my dad doesn't think it's a chiko roll. Gary calls it "fun". Masterchef is all about fun, clearly. George continues to demonstrate his lack of table manners.
Matthew is next up, please tell me he avoided pasta this time. Gary looks at his dish uneasily, and doesn't get the chiko roll connection. Matthew's fears are confirmed, and he sulks back to his bench.
Adam's up next, and his dish looks DIGUSTING, but Matt says it looks "impeccable" which shows what I know. The dish is apparently gross though.
Sharnee's deconstruction is being tasted, but my dad refuses to aknowledge it's chiko roll-ness, and is being very vocal about it. Gary likes it more than Matthew's but doesn't get the connection. Sharnee is indignant and bitchy.
Joanthan makes his use of human scalp obvious. George shakes his hand. Gary smiles in his adorable, pig-like way, and calls the dish "spot on". Oh hell, Jonathan's going to win, isn't he? Well that just throws my train of hatred off the rails. Smug Serial Killer is smug.
Marion is called up. Her dish is tasted. Geez, predictable much? George calls he a "legend", but doesn't bust out a Barney Stinson-esque "Legen...wait for it...dary", and he shakes her hand with fingers he's just licked. I kind of hate you, George.
Callum thinks he might be going home on the back of this dish. Callum is seriously going to go off into a corner and cry. Aww, shame. Where's Matthew to provide comfort? Oh, there he is, in for the lingering hug.

The top three dishes belong to Marion (surprise), Alvin (surprise), and Jonathan (MURDEROUS RAGE). And BLOODY HELL JONATHAN WON. He probably won out of fear - no one likes an angry serial killer.

Facing the pressure test will be Sharnee and the lovers - Callum and Matthew. Well, at least if Sharnee goes home absolutely no part of this show will change. Gary wants them to bring their "youthful exuberance" to the challenge, but he forgets that our generation can only think about a couple of things at once, and hence  they will leave their cooking ability at home.

Sorry about my going on. It's a weakness of mine.

Masterchef - Something You Oughta Get Used To

Confession time, for those who don't already know me: I am hopelessly, awfully pathetic. I am also an avid, nearly rabid, watcher of Masterchef, and an obsessive Twitterer (where the action's at). While those two things may sound completely unrelated, it's gotten to a point where the Masterchef feed on Twitter is the best thing about Masterchef, and I can't actually watch the show without cracking snarky little comments that make  no sense to those around me unless they know about my whole underground Twitter addiction.

So for the aid of anyone who wants to have a basic understanding of what I'm going on about when I watch Masterchef, what anything I'm saying means, or where exactly I stand in terms of this particular television show. So I bring forth my own interpretation of the Masterchef top ten, in order to aid and update.

For those who don't watch this hilariously terrible, yet secretly brilliant show, there are three types of contestants: Obnoxious, terrible people; obnoxious, ridiculously unimportant people; and obnoxious, yet somewhat likable people. For easy access, this will be split up into contestant by contestant, to keep things clear.

Claire - belongs to the middle-of-the-road group. Had a career as a lawyer, decided it wasn't her "passion" (key phrase in the Masterchef world), entered Masterchef as a last resort. Cries a lot, is a moderately okay chef, goes all smiley and humble when she wins something, as if she doesn't know that all the chef's harbour secret "passion" for her. I used to like her a lot, but she's done the opposite of grow on me, like one of those bad haircuts that only gets worse with length...or something, end analogy. She'll probably win.

Sharnee - some random. No one really knows why exactly she's there. In fact, I have no idea what her backstory is, or what she wants out of life, though I'm guessing she has a "passion" for cooking and wants to be a chef. Does anyone really know why she's there? She'll probably win.

Aaron - a prick who wears ridiculous beanies. That's pretty much all there is to it. Is a bit of an arrogant douche, with the "a bit" part being dispensable in that statement. Spends most of his time being "witty" and "passionate". Wears a beanie to disguise his hilariously douchey long hair. Cooks pretty well, can't make pastry for shit. I like him more than I did originally, but not a great deal - his douchey beanie-ness kind of cancels out any of that liking, and therefore, he'll probably win.

Jonathan - I am captain of the Anti-Jonathan movement. Most people hated him for a while, and then got over it, but my hatred remains and I constantly insist on finding small ways of justifying it ("Oh, did you see the way he narrowed his eyes at Sharnee when she suggested that? What a prick."). Seems to enjoy using organs in his recipes - I suspect he has serial killer tendencies. Needs to shave his awful, awful beard. Has an annoying habit of being good at elimination challenges, leaving a trail of destruction behind him. If he wins, all hell will break loose But he will probably win, because that's the nature of life.

Joanne - If there was ever a more hated contestant on any show than her (and I am including every crazy ex-bachelor, Evil Russell from survivor, any one of the obnoxious crazies from Fear Factor, all of the douchey bimbos from Amazing Race...), I would be surprised. She should refrain from speaking. She wears too much make up, reminds us constantly of her "passion" and her family and how much she wants this. In reality, she's just a horrible person, whose voice annoys me. I'm sure she's lovely in person, but...well, it doesn't translate one. She's highly likely to win.

Adam - I almost forgot him. Of the the long haired men, I like him better. A contestant I don't particularly care about, unlikely to win. Currently holds an immunity pin, which is ridiculous, and is essentially stolen from Survivor. Enjoys Japanese cooking. Fulfils yet another of the shows stereotypes. Stereotypes are fun, frolic.

Callum - appears to not have reached puberty, despite being, what, eighteen? General consensus of the Masterchef audience is his being in a relationship with fellow contestant Matthew, yet as of the moment there are no pervy fanfictions floating around on the internet - someone needs to get on this. Enjoys cooking "creative" dishes. Should avoid this. Is subtly likable, despite his lisp and overall annoying-ness. Or maybe it's just me, because I'm sick of hearing everyone go "Oh, I do this all because of my family, they're my inspiration, etc".

Matthew - Pretty much the same goes as the aforementioned. Has no hope of winning, purely because he's somewhat likable, easy to make fun of, and actually capable of cooking things that don't involve pasta - don't ask him to cook pasta if you enjoy having teeth, apparently. Is apparently "creative". Whatever. Looks a bit  like an alien. Someone should check that.

Alvin - Partial to shnazzy glasses and Asian dishes. Cries a lot, is probably missing his BFF Skye. Makes ridiculous comments, is the token gay competitor (and yet, people seem to skip this fact over for the Matthew/Callum shenanigans).

Marion - Has no hope in hell of winning, because she's the most likable of a largely unlikable bunch. See, she can actually cook. Well. Joanne must be so jealous. Seems genuinely happy a lot of the time, which is a nice change. Wears ridiculously large necklaces and is also a fan shnazzy glasses. Makes really odd food. The show really isn't about food anymore, is it?

The fact that I have no life is relatively evident, but hey - I do what I can.