File under "Cry, things that make me"

Caution: I promise that other than things like this, I am quite a well-rounded, likeable person. Ha ha ha.

I probably don't come off as an excessively emotional person. You're probably largely off base. While in day to day life I tend to...overuse humour in the place of getting all emotional...(although humour should be in inverted commas because humorous it may or may not be), I'm going to make a confession here - I'm a ridiculously unstable person, which means I go through ridiculously unstable emotions and phases where I am, basically, a giant cry baby. My mental stability is almost as questionable as, you know, my social life, etc. It's pretty inexplicable but hit a raw nerve when I'm having a bad day and I'll well up, and then get really angry to mask that. I'm good with the sudden bouts of inexplicable anger.

But apart from that, crying is something that is reserved for the home, and it turns out, the movie theatre. When it comes to movies, it turns out I am essentially a giant marshmallow, with the added bonus that the marshmallow isn't just a softie but also prone to bouts of uncontrollable tears. I don't like it, but I tell it as it is. So, because you love me (oh come on, don't be afraid to admit it, the internet is a relatively safe forum when it comes to the heartfelt expressions of our undying love etc), I take it you want to know which movies/television shows/music/etc transform me from a moderately stable, often happy person into a quivering wreck, right? Well you're lucky, because that's what you're going to find out.

Movies: Don't lie. You've watched Marley & Me, you used to own a dog, and you were watching the end bit and in tears, right? Doesn't that sum up pretty much everyone who watched that movie? I've read the book too, but books don't tend to make me go soft - I need the visual attached to the story. But yes, I'm going to come right out and tell you that when I first went to see that movie with three good friends, three of the four of us were blubbering by the end (Note: the one guy not crying, the most likely to cry in any other movie - trust me, has not and has never owned a pet). I watched it again the next year by myself in an English hotel room and yet again, I teared up. Sue me. But it isn't just overly depressing movies about dogs (SPOILER! SPOILER! For the people who have a go at me when I disclose even the tiniest little plot point) getting put down that get me bawling - oh no, there are more.

Have you seen Freedom Writers? Every time I watch that movie, regardless of how much I prepare it for mentally and how little attention I pay to the beginning of the movie, as soon as you reach the middle section with Marcus and Miep Gies and they do the whole Anne Frank scene, I am invariably sitting and crying my eyes at, and trying to work out if everyone else watching with me is as well. What can I say? I'm Jewish, it hits a nerve? To be honest, I'm not sure, but when I first watched it with a hundred other people, I don't think there were many dry eyes.

Of course, when I was younger, I cried at everything. Some movie called Spirit about a horse? I remember crying in that even though to this day I have no idea what exactly the plot was. Turns out, though, that wasn't the only animated movie that could set me off. Just recently, I was bawling like a newborn in Toy Story 3. The cinema - three of us girls who've actually become invested in the characters over the two prior movies; several harried mothers attempting to chain their children to the comfy leather seats (my friends and I are big ole' spenders) and several schools of kindegartners (one of whom, I have to let you know, was wearing a trucker cap, oversized Man United jersey and big ass silver chains - the original six year old gangster?). When it got to the garbage dump, or Andy saying goodbye to Woody, us three were pratically on the floor crying, and all the little kids were laughing and throwing popcorn. Age gap, it's evident.

Music: I go through phases where different things make me cry, because I'm an unpredictable wreck. Music is particularly topsy turvy - when especially emotional periods of my life are around, I'll cry at anything. Judge me all you like (or don't, please don't), but after my grandfather died I couldn't listen to the Charlie Chaplin version of Smile as done by the cast of Glee without bursting out into tears - clearly the song did not achieve its goal. Other songs that have made this elite list include Superman by Five For Fighting, Together We'll Ring In The New Year by Motion City Soundtrack, Caught In The Crowd by Kate Miller-Heidke, You and Me by Lifehouse...Can you tell that I'm probably in need of some form of medication? I'm joking. That was a joke.
This is why I've not gone into comedy.

Television shows: So far you've gathered that I'm massively overemotional in select situations, and television shows are no different - you sit me down with a finale of a show that I have loved for years, or a character that I've become really attached to dying, or any given episode of Cold Case that has to do with the death of a child, and BAM, I'm in that same state. Did I cry in the Scrubs finale? Maybe - mind you, not the Med School series, because that was ... a whole different animal. This is why I avoid most hospital shows - too many characters I like would die (I watch ER sometimes and I really shouldn't), or shows where people dying is an everyday event. Really, it's quite alarming that I got into Lost, considering the amount of death that show carries with it.

Now I'm finished this post.
Oh...I'm going to cry.

I'm JOKING YOU WEIRDOS.

The Bachelor: London Calling 29/6 - I do watch this crap, still

So, you know how my blog posts are either hilarious, or about crap TV shows, and are always ridiculously long? Yeah, this is one of those ones about a crap TV show, which just so happens to be The Bachelor. No one else appreciates my general thoughts, so I just post them where no one will ever need to read them again. The show aired last Tuesday, and I'm a little bit late to the viewing party, which is interrupting my general work flow - there's another episode tonight on Go! if them crazy bitches are your kind of thing. Still, Operation Bachelor: London Calling is a go.

Previously, lots of things happened. Chis takes pleasure in outlining this all for us. I did kind of miss last week, which involved a premiere, rugby, massages, and Robin - the classical pianist - is not liked by many. Anyway, Chris goes on to pre-cap the entire episode, just in case we don't really want to watch it or, like me, just watch it for the hilarity. Apparently Stoner - Shayne - is still in the running, which is pretty amazing.  Kelly, Chelsey, Stoner, Ashley, Noelle and Robin are going on a "date" (if you can call them that), which is in search for a "perfect match", which is some terrible tennis pun, and also there are tea cups.

Matt's wearing his gangster tracksuit to battle it out with a bunch of girls who cannot play tennis, excluding Singer-Songwriter Ashleigh/Ashley, and Kelly, and Chelsey, which Stoner is not happy about. Matt has gone all crazy about Chelsey/Chelsea, and is gaping, and Stoner is an ex-Gymnast (PICKED IT!). Ashley/Ashleigh/Ashlee's name appears to actually be the latest one. She's not completely...all there, in the head, and Matt had to explain "taking it in her stride" to her, which is not attractive (although we all know guys love a good bimbo). And now she's singing, of course, as they do, and now they're making out. Seriously, I look older than that girl. Unsurprisingly, all of the girls hate her. Ad break.

Post tennis match, it's tea time. They're all pretending to be English, and all the guys are shooting hate laser beams at the classical pianist Robin. Kelly, fifty year old smoker voice, is displeased. Chelsea (who is that?) considers Robin the most competitive. Matt loves spending time with her, and if I could wink over the internet, I would wink right now. Robin feels blessed. Yawn. Over at Girl Camp, Stoner is getting her bitch claws out, and she says that she "honestly just told Robin honest truth" because no one else has had a turn at private time. Must say, I side with Classical Pianist, it's not their choice who gets alone time. Robin is crying, Kelly doesn't buy it, and now Stoner is awkward backtracking and then WHOA suddenly we're back at the mansion.

Marshanna is displeased that she did not get the one on one. Marshanna feels like she's the underdog, and needs to pack, and Amanda's got the one on one date. Blah. All of the girls make Matt feel privelliged, but "NONE OF YA'LL BITCHES AS MUCH AS CHELSEA". Ashlee is all "does what we have mean NOTHING?" because I'm pretty sure there are too many hormones flying around this house. Ad break. That's okay, I'm tired.

The soundtrack to this show is terrible. Amanda is getting ready for the one-on-one date, and she's going vixen. Some girl whose name I do not know calls her a raging slut, which is exactly the look she's going for. Creepy, pervy Matt is creepy and pervy. Apparently this is a 1950's date, in which they will be very romantic and go to a diner. Amanda: "I felt like I was stepping back in time to a time I wasn't even alive in". Amanda is apprently the all American girl, beautiful and smart etc. Matt says there's a geeky side to her, and if that qualifies as geeky, then what am I? Matt is a terrible dancer, apparently. Well, the show isn't called The Bachelor: Dancing King. Holly and Marshana are going to be cooking on this date. Marshana has serious anger issues. DITCH HER, DITCH HER, DITCH HER. Her rationalising is "Pick me, pick me, pick me, see how beautiful I am...blah...I really think we have something...blah". Back in the 50's, Amanda is getting some shpeel, with a side of a rose. And now they're going to the pier, where rollercoasters and Ferris Wheels are abundant, and then they make out at the top of the Ferris Wheel. Ad break.

GIrl whose name I keep forgetting appears to be Holly, Children's Book Author, and she and Marshana are off to their tension-SMASH date. People on this show are so overdramatic. Marshana and Holly are having an "I am willing to move away from the States" competition. They're basically competing for whose more willing to leave their home. Marshana and Matt are having some 'alone time' *wink*, and Holly is perving over. Marshana and Matt make out, but he's just stringing her along. Holly and Matt are on the bed, and Matt's blabbering on about his boring side where he "wants to know what's going on in the Middle East, and what's resilient in the financial market and stuff"...so, basically, I'm boring. Holly and Matt are alone in a room and yet they're whispering and Holly's idea of boring is "watching movies". Whatever. At the house, the girls are speculating, and Stoner is SURE that Holly is coming home, and won't hear a word otherwise. Anyway, on the date, hi-fives, Marshana got the rose. Despite her obvious emotional issues, I strongly dislike Holly at the moment.

HOW DO I STILL HAVE HALF AN HOUR LEFT? Stoner is displeased by the outcome of the date. And....ad break.

Over at the mansion, prior to the rose ceremony, the girls are all dressed up and straightened and tanned within an inch of their lives or whatever that phrase is. Ashlee appears to be wearing an excessively slutty dress, and Matt is asking her the tough questions, about how their connection is physical and musical but what can she do outside of that. Ashlee is attempting a metaphor, and failing dramatically. Ohai, Noelle, where have you been? Matt's all up for the tough questions tonight. Noelle is trying to communicate that her feelings are REAL and RAW and more. Kelly, on her one on one time, but her body language is terrible (she's wearing a markedly slutty dress). Apparently he sees her as less of a fun person with him, and then she just tore her shirt open (WHAT? WHY?) and hit her head on a table. IS SHE EVER NOT DRUNK? Now, he's trying to pin down Stoner (Shanye, if you forgot). Shayne wants him to send everyone else home, and tries to convince him that she's into him and what why I don't even why did that inspire a make out session? Matt no longer wants to be sombre. Whatever. Hiccup girl just hiccupped, and someone was excessively rude and said "Stop it". I am offended by that string of events.

Time to give out roses to various women. Chelsea, Amanda and Marshana are covered by their pre-purchased roses, but the others are all competing. Stoner is administering her best "I'm famous" pose. I reckon stripper Kelly is gone. Stoner gets the first rose. Robin, tea-drinker and classical pianist, gets the second. Oh, hi Phil, "This is the final rose tonight". Oh, shut up Phil, we know. Noelle gets the next rose (I like her, she seems genuine), and Sparkly bra Kelly and Singer/Songwriter Ashlee are gone. Ashlee is an emotional wreck and I am genuinely worried she'll pass out.

I need to switch this off now, I can feel myself losing brain cells.

The Bachelor: London Calling 15/6 - I do watch this crap

I'm about five minutes behind, but I'm going to write about the crazy awful shit that I watch in my spare time. They have decided this show is now America's Next Top Model, with more people whose names I don't know. Sleezy englishman is sleezy, called Matt, and says things like "Go honey". And "Yeah baby". Kind of creepy. Every single girl here pisses me off, except Holly, who moonwalked. MOONWALK? AWESOME. A show can be crap as, as long as you get in a moonwalk. And then some girl called Amanda took her shirt off. And this was a date. And egad, you best believe I'm not going to stop talking. This is also going to be a long ass post.

Matt urges that they "not get dressed" which only cements the fact that he's a massive creep, and up next not only do they "gamble for Matt's heart", but some girl sings, and we have the first major mental breakdown of this season. I feel like I lose about a hundred brain cells every time I even watch this show.

Matt is kinda turned on by the modelling "date", so he takes them up to the penthouse suite. This slow gets sleezier by the minute. Marshana, or someone, has cornered Matt, and is asking him big questions in a "fun" environment, and Matt reveals that he picked her because "she's beautiful" (objectify women, much?) and "the colour of her skin is amazing" and seriously, Matt? And oh dear, someone else wrote a song. Is there a dodgy songwriter every season? Is Michelle the new Wes? CAN I HATE HER VEHEMENTLY NOW? Such subtle lyrics - "I want to touch you, I want you to touch me" - and the other singer in the house is pissed.

Suddenly, the girls are sitting around and a suitcase full of money arrives, so of course they're going to Vegas, and I swear, there's a girl wearing a fur lined jacket around the house. To differentiate herself, other singer/songwriter Ashlee takes Matt aside into the bedroom for a "chat", and all they ever seem to talk about are appearances, are you guys really that shallow? "You've got beautiful lips" *smooch*. Seriously, guys? Second episode in? Geez, sleazy much? And of course, she gets the rose. Obviously, because he thinks she's easy. I mean, how else do you make that kind of decision after knowing someone for a week.

Marshana thinks you should be excited, but humble too. Marshana is the queen of humble, clearly. Erin, who is 25, preaches that Ashlee is a "young 22", and it's inappropriate, and MAN, girls are hypocritical.

Matt is taking the girls to Paris, Las Vegas. Stoned Shayne is looking a lot more awake tonight, but I think she's assuming the role of space-case. I seriously have no idea who half these girls are. Essentially, they're all sitting around gambling and making terrible puns - "I think what I'll really be gambling with is my heart". Robin has never gambled before, so she's stealing him away, and Matt is offended that she's not a gambler. DUDE - Gambling isn't always a metaphor. I'm perfectly ready to take a risk in life, but I too hate gambling. Stoned Shayne lost all of her money, and this leads to her breakdown, clearly.  Kelly (the one who sounds like a fifty year old lifelong smoker) won the gambling battle, and wins a date, and then proceeds to skill an entire glass of champagne. I like her more than you'd guess, but I suspect she's drunk, even though she can "handle her alcohol".

Stoned Shayne is complaining. People on this show have terrible grammar. "There is other girls here". SHUT UP. Not only is Shayne stoned, but also whinging and breaking down because she doesn't feel she's being appreciated. Matt thinks she's having too much trouble, and it's not good. Shayne questions if it's worth it. It's not. Matt thinks Shayne is too attractive for him, but the drama is JUST TOO MUCH. Oh god. Seriously? Next: OH MY GOD THERE'S A FREAKING OPERA SINGER.

"Vegas is amazing, I'm taking all of the girls up to my room". Kelly is off her face. Shayne is stoned. This is ridiculous. I think there should be a rule against letting The Bachelor girls anywhere near alcohol. It's bloody ridiculous. Though I suppose people who can hold their alcohol don't go on a show like the Bachelor. I missed that shit with Chelsea. To be honest, I don't care. Stoned One is annoyed at the other girls for being so "giddy". Robin shows off her classical music skills.

Who's this girl? I actually like her. She makes me laugh. And not for the same reasons as the other crap people on this show. Erin S. The better Erin. The Erin who I don't hate. Matt's giving the rose to Chelsea, who is wearing a pretty shirt. Matt is being all romantic and shit and giving her a rose while sipping his beer. Stoner is offended at the lack of rose, despite the fact that she has acted like a total drama queen the entire episode. Girls are stupid. Stoner just expected him to fall in love with her. She would leave, but she feels for him. I hated her less for that one moment. I hate her again.

At yet another little party. Oh, they lead such hard lives. Matt is talking to Robin, and they appear to be trying to seduce each other. Seduce is a hilarious word. Robin appears to do nothing but kiss Matt. Matt just likes making out. Guy. Nobody likes Robin. Smoker Kelly is displeased, as is Marshana. Marshana's awesome. They're going to dance together, to no music. That whole idea is less romantic to me now. Matt's glad she's here. He wants to kiss her, but too many girls watching. Stoner is sitting inside, sulking. Carri, another annoying blonde, is OPERA SINGER. Matt is pretending to find this attractive. My mother is in hysterics on the couch. Bitchy Erin H has decided to sing for matt, because so is every other freaking person in this house.

Amanda R - Hiccup Girl - is complaining about her chronic hiccup problem. Shut up, embrace the hiccups, I have them too, and I work it. Awesome Erin claims that if she gets out tonight, she's going to make a massive scene and leave with a bang (totally what I would do, if you were wondering). Stoner claims that "emotions are beginning to come out", as opposed to last time when she cried in the bathroom and yelled at Matt about the unfairness of all of this. Matt "fancies the pants off her", and she's an actress - whoa. Stoner wants a rose. Surprise, surprise.

Marshana is giving matt a lap dance. That's...beyond disgusting. Random Blonde Amy is doing a shopping dance, and some girl is teaching him to "crank dat Soulja boi". In comes Chris Harrison, to announce that it's time to deliberate over the rose giving. Hells yes.

Chris recaps the episode even though we've just seen it. Hiccup Girl reacts exactly how I would in this situation, and hiccups. Loudly. I hope these girls all watched this as it aired in the states and locked themselves in their rooms for weeks. Classical Pianist Robin gets the first rose. Moonwalking Holly is next. AWESOME ERIN is next, thank god. Hiccup Girl gets through, and she was soulja boi girl as well, so I kind of love her. Smoker Kelly is next. Pointless tension. Random blonde gets a rose. So does Kristine, random blonde 2. Marshana too, which is totally predictable. Stoner's pissed. Photographer Noelle gets a rose, which is all cool. Chris comes in to pointlessly alert us to the fact that there's one rose remaining, oh really? Thanks for that, Chris. Stoner gets the last rose. No opera singer? Are you freaking kidding me?

Bitchy Erin's all "his loss". Heart-on-sleeve opera singer Carri is sad. "I wanna touch you" Michelle is gone, urging Matt to "seek out the good". She's going to go home to see her cat, to hear her purr again, because she's the love of her life at the moment. Egad, she was a crazy cat lady, good that you got her out now, Matt.But at least Stoner's around. For entertainment value.

...I'm sorry.

Oooh, Chelsea is crazily double jointed. That's awesome.

Why I was in love with Ash Ketchum

I'm going to issue a "TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE, MINDBLOWINGLY BAD PUN" warning at the beginning of this. I am ashamed, and yet also slightly proud.

As you may or may not know, dependent on how brilliant you are, when I was young my first ever "celebrity" crush was Ash Ketchum from Pokemon. "Why the hell is she telling us this now?" you ask, and here is my answer for you, apart from the basic reason that it's my blog and you can't have any input as to what I write. Anyway, I think celebrity crushes reveal a lot about you as a kid - yes, while most of my friends were in love with boy band members or boys from our school, I had a thing for a cartoon character (don't judge me). For a variety of reasons, actually.

I'm going to momentarily step out of my little rant and notify you that I was a severely cracked out child. When my younger sister was born, I was running around outside the hospital room dressed as a fairy princess telling everyone how pretty I was. Keep my complete and utter idiocy in mind.

Why exactly was I in love with Ash? I suppose the major thing was that he had balls (Oh god, please excuse the awful pun). I mean that in the non-crude way, and not even in the awesome, had a billion pokeballs kind of way. For a six or so year old girl, the coolest thing ever to me was the fact that this boy who can't have been more than ten and yet he was out there taking on the world, without supervision, being all badass. That kind of independence was something my six year old self was in awe of.

And then, you have the fighting evil part. Sure, not everyone who fought him was evil, but there's nothing cooler than a guy who was good, fighting evil. Team Rocket kept trying to bring him down, but he foiled them everytime (or, they foiled themselves. Such inefficient plans. They should have looked into that). Plus, he liked animals. Well, not animals, pokemon, but check out that bond he had with pikachu - it was adorable. I'm a sucked for soppiness, and that topped the list. It was so cute. And while Brock was out there going all starry eyed over every single nurse or policewoman, Ash was focused and ambitious. I suppose I had high standards.

I guess early celebrity crushes are kind of just echoes of what you move on to like later in life. I just thought I'd share the mechanics of this early little infatuation. I mean, now my hypthetical "perfect guy" list has progressed quite a bit - it's a joke between a friend of mine and I that every time we come out of a movie we add another criteria onto the list of things that this perfect guy can do - often stupid, mind you. We walked out of Race To Witch Mountain (yes, we went to see that. My friends and I will go and see ANYTHING if it involves leaving the house) and said "Right, he's got to be able to withstand the force of an entire car hitting him. Definitely".