A rant about tweeting, Masterchef and the Courier-Mail

I'm really fired up tonight. I'm usually quite fired up, but I'm even more so than usual tonight (see, if you follow me on Twitter, you know this). As you all know, I'm an avid Masterchef tweeter. I'm snarky, there are people I would prefer stayed clear of my television (yeah, I said it). If you haven't already read it, I'd like to alert you to THIS. While it's an interesting read, thank you Karen Brooks, I've got to say, I take it personally.

I tweet without thinking. I bitch about peoples' appearances, about their cooking, their relationships, their sad attempts at "wit", their tendency to overwear ridiculous pink shirts/hideous beanies/far too much makeup etc. Sure, I can come across as nasty if you judged me off that alone, but amongst the people I write with, we all know that it's in good humour. If we've hurt feelings, I'd like to be notified. I'm more than willing to swallow my pride and apologise, but like hell will I censor what I'm writing because one particular person thinks I'm being "vicious" and "spiteful" and "exposing lashes of sexism, racism, size-ism, ageism and homophobia".

I happen to find the Masterchef feed on Twitter hilarious. Whoa, don't shoot me. I can't speak for the entire Masterchef-tweeting population, but please find me one instance of any one of those ism-s or phobias in one of my tweets that isn't in a joking manner. Sexism? Are you kidding? Racism, maybe in jest on the odd occasion, but I rarely refer to it. Size-ism? Never. Ageism? Are you high? Homophobia? Hell no! I tweet jokingly about gay relationships, but hell, I'm all for it. Don't go calling me homophobic. I'm a mad supporter of rights, gay, womens', everything. I might be vicious on the odd occasion, but it's heat of the moment viciousness, and if you want me to issue an apology on behalf of all of the terrible things I say, go ahead. I'll do it.

The article doesn't hesitate to comment on our "foul language" and "comments that have nothing to do with what's on screen". We're people. We judge. You sit at home and watch Masterchef, making witty yet controversial comments in your head, we write them down on a social networking site for the amusement of those who follow us. You want to criticise our language? Oh, because there's no swearing at all on Twitter for the duration of the time that doesn't include Masterchef. God forbid. Are you kidding? HAVE YOU STEPPED OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE IN THE LAST YEAR?

"The fact that these are real people being commented on, and in a public forum that their friends and family never mind children can access, escapes those posting or, worse, they don't care". My friends and family read my tweets. They laugh, they enjoy, they join in. Masterchef viewing has become a ritual in the circles I run in, and we find constant amusement in the next day debriefs. I post my thought the night before, instead of keeping the discussion within my friends the day after. Call me deluded, but I tend to think that people have come to accept, maybe even look forward to my Masterchef craziness. Children can access it? You don't think children say even worse things? I think our crudeness is pretty tame next to a twelve year old boy's idea of humour.

Apparently I'm a "bully and a coward" now, because I hide behind a false identity. Yeah, why don't you say that to my face and see who's a coward? But seriously, I'm not hiding behind a false identity. I keep my details private, but that's for security reasons, not because I'm scared of what people would do to me if they found out about my shocking tweets. And a BULLY? So, Karen Brooks, what about you? You are perfectly content to tell us that we're hurting the feelings of the oh-so-precious Masterchef contestants (who, might I add, signed up for this when they opted to be a part of a reality television show), and yet you're fine to hurt the feelings of, say, me, an emotionally fragile Masterchef tweeter? You've really hurt me, Karen. Don't think you'll be getting a Christmas card this year.

"It could be argued that this is a healthy outlet for what's a loathsome tendency of human nature." Hey, maybe it's good that we have a healthy outlet like this. While I object to that part of my nature being loathsome (again, Karen, why so mean? Couldn't have softened that up a bit?), would you rather we said all our crap and vented our rubbish on a platform like Twitter, or to you, on the street? To the contestant's faces? To each other? I mean, I think that would be fun, but maybe it's me. It's usually just me.

"But it's also an indication of how, when given the right forum and circumstances, the members of humanity won't necessarily defend each other on the contrary, they'll look for the weakest among them and attack in a pack" I really, really hate this. I think it's pretty self-explanatory why. It's derogatory to what I do, and I feel like I'm being compared to some form of predatory bird or something, but still, it's the 'picking on the weakest' idea that gets to me. I see your point, and raise you the fact that I actually pick on the stronger contestants - clearly, if they've got this far. Another thing I'd like to point out is that I admire all the contestants' cooking abilities. I'm jealous, actually, because as a chef, I'm pathetic. I can't heat up a pop tart without getting it stuck in the Toaster. I've admitted on many an occasion that I'm an extremely bitter person, so I think in a backwards way, the contestants should take this into account (are they offended). I'm bitter, twisted, envious and I think they've all done amazingly so far. Wait, I'm going to backtrack. Something in that last statement must have been sexist, racist, homophobic, offensive to minorities, or just plain rude.

Hey! "As one Tweet posted on Monday, when the site was overloaded because of the World Cup, said: ``I hope Twitter never goes down during MasterChef ever again, it was not quite as fun without the commentary of smart-arses the nation over.''" That tweet sure does look familiar. I'm pretty sure someone may have tweeted, that night that Twitter went down, that "Masterchef just wasn't as fun without the snarky @Sarkata or @benpobjie". Are you talking to me? I'm sure people said that a lot, but I'm going to go ahead and take offence. I feel like you're verging into the realms of taking it too far. However, I suppose I'm taking this too far now. I'm sorry. I promise I'm not that bad of a person. I might make ill-judged comments, try too hard to be witty, often make crude and immature comments and references, crack terrible puns and jokes, and occasionally just fade into being an extremely boring person, but I'm okay. I don't bitch too often, and I try to be the sane one when there's drama everywhere around me. I try to do the right thing. I wouldn't have a go at someone unless they had a go at me first. I might be opinionated, but I won't forced you to adopt my opinions - go ahead, have a varying opinion. Tolerance is what we aim for. I'm trying to spread some here. So...are you?

"It's like watching your favourite show with hundreds of other people only, in this case, you're glad most of them aren't in the room with you" On a different note to end this off, that's rubbish. I can imagine that a mass viewing of Masterchef with the rest of the people on the Masterchef twitter feed (those who aren't, of course, rapists, racists, homophobes, etc) would be one extremely hilarious gathering.

I know this has been one hell of a rant, but I was fired up, and I took extreme offence at that article. I didn't read The Courier Mail (which I keep typing as Male, on a random note), but I'm not going to start now. Actually, maybe I will. I want to see other opinions the author has - after all, it was an interesting read. She's probably quite acceptant of other things, I'm sure. I just think that there was a touch of hypocrisy, and I thought it was often unnecessarily snarky about the people who were supposed to be the nasty ones. Anyway, what's the world come to if we can't say things that are even the slightest bit controversial without coming under fire? Particularly on a social networking site, while having a laugh with some people we don't know, but who share the same views as us and who watch the same shows as us.

Update 22/6: And now on The Today Show with Carl and Lisa? You guys all suck, kind of. The kind of was just for politeness. It's REALITY TV. THERE WILL BE CONTESTANTS WE DISLIKE. I disliked Russell on Survivor and no one had a go at me for that. You guys need to be considerate that I am allowed an opinion, the internet will always be used to this, and you obviously don't understand anything mentioned in my above rant. That being said, I'm really offended I wasn't quoted. If you're going to go all out, do it, but quoting a facebook page? Facebook is tame and pedestrian. Sheesh.

Masterchef...if you were watching State of Origin on the 16/6

WARNING: Yet another excessively long post

It's Masterchef time, which sadly (in the case of others) clashes with State Of Origin - sorry if I'm not into witnessing my team fail pathetically. After than convinient recap of the entire game, thank you voiceover man, it's time for a team challenge, on a plane, and Jonathan's one team captain, in yet another pink shirt (a polo shirt this time, improvement?). He's decided to lead blue, and of course the first person he picks is Joanne - douchery will reign supreme.

Blue team: Jonathan, Callum, Adam, Alvin and Claire, Marion
Red team: Joanne, Aaron, Matthew, Adam

I don't want to root for either team, but I'm going to (as much as it kills me) have to go blue - purely because they've got Marion, and her chirpiness isn't annoying yet.. They both have crap leaders. I probably hate the about equally. So the challenge is they have to cook a three course menu for business class passengers on an A380 plane. Ohai Neil Perry! He's big on plane food, he cooks it heaps. He's talking, but it's boring, and advicey. He wants to make sure the presentation is beautiful, and the flavour is great - oh, because all of my plane food is IMMACULATELY prepared. Psht. Also, no knives on planes. Oh hey, they're also getting in the CEO of Qantas. Matt's talking. Matt's too cool for this show. Joanne has opted to wear an annoying scarf. Typical.

Joanne's thinking Asian. Jonathan's not thinking. That happens a lot. They're in the pantry, because they've planned their menus, and dear god, please don't forget ingredients this time. Seafood, on a plane? Okay. Also, Quail. Seriously? Call my unsophisticated, but I would NOT want to be on this flight. Except for those desserts. Gary's making terrible puns. Jonathan wants to change menu ideas, Marion thinks it's too late. Marion should be a team leader. We cut to an ad break, time to madly obsess on Twitter. You know, as I do.

***

Anyway, dusk has fallen. Someone in a red apron is holding pasta. Why do they show us this crap? Marion's explaining the process, and how the meals will be taken away in trolleys to be prepared. But will they be Coles trolleys, that is the question? Oooh, Matthew's making a chocolate macadamia fudge cake. I must eat now. Gary must be the person they employ strictly to make dodgy puns. Joanne's made up face is going to give me nightmares. She looks like an (uglier) porcelain doll. Both teams are making prawn entrees and Quail for mains. That's kind of ridiculous.

OH NO! NO FRESH HERBS ON THE PLANE! Oh wait, I thought something really dramatic had happened. Ha! Gary's expecting perfection, and so he should, because this IS Masterchef. Joanne's stressed. She's always stressed. The blue team appear to be slightly in control, which means they'll lose. Oh, Masterchef. People are slow, the red team have not packed. They kind of need to get this together. FIREBALL. Ad break. Shameless Masterchef tinted advertising begins.

***

More plating up. This is kind of dull. Matthew's cakes have caved in, and he worries that they won't hold up in transport. Whatever, it's chocolate. Chocolate always wins. Glad wrap paid a lot for that quick little shot. Alvin is all "OH MY GOD WE DID IT *SQEEE*" and the entire team breaks out into a mass choreographed number, but not really.

Anyway, it appears to be the next part now, and they are walking towards a massive, "monolithic" plane (thanks, there, Matthew). The itty bitty kitchen is adorable. Marion is disappointed with her dish. WHAT? They don't even have to put up with motion sickness? They serve it to the judges who are SITTING AT A TABLE? That's just made the entire episode kind of...redundant, no?

Gary thinks Marion's entree dish lacks crunch. Neil thinks it looks "claggy and furry" and "for lack of a better word". He should have said "words", and what the fuck is claggy? I think I nitpick too much. Matt thinks it doesn't pop. CEO thinks it's so-so. Neil Perry stays quiet now. That's nice.
Claire's main quail dish looks a bit "naked" as she puts it. Judging panel are not amused. The smell's good though, says CEO. Neil Perry chews thoughtfully. He thinks it smells better than it looks, and is disappointingly presented. Matt agrees. Gary is holding on for dessert with his fingers crossed. Please don't fail, team blue. I really hate Joanne.
I just really like fudge cake. CEO and Matt rave about Matthew's fudge cake, but they haven't even tasted it yet. Neil Perry claims that this might very well be their saviour. Matt is just a littble bit in love with this fudge cake. CEO says something, but I can't hear it over the annoyingness of his accent.

Over in red, now. Their poached prawns entree looks crap, and Joanne totally screwed up on the vegetables, which look completely unappetising. Chefs are picky. They liked the prawns, but they didn't looooove them. Also, Joanne's vegetables are almost as repulsive as her face (obligatory childish Joanne diss).
Teriyaki Quail meal time. Joanne thinks their dish is better than the blue team's. The chefs are excited by the meal. It does look kind of yummy. Neil Perry is in love, and thinks it's "damn delicious". CEO's lips are moving, but I'm not getting anything from it. It all comes down the dessert, says Matt, and continues to state the bleeding obvious.
Callum's dish looks "dodgy as", which is another reason I'm not on Masterchef (again, there's also the "bad at cooking" thing). Apparently these are Quinelles. Neil asked a question and I didn't hear it because my dad responded "BECAUSE THEY'RE WANKERS". Neil is dissatisfied with the presentation, but apparently it tastes nice, says Gary. CEO disagrees. Joanne, Mother, NSW, is happy with what they put up.

Apparently this is pretty close. Hahahahahahahaha. Blue are going to lose, which sucks, because Joanne will be here forever. I swear, we'll never get rid of her. Jonathan, who has changed into his OTHER pink shirt, does not want to face elimination yet again. Adam's dish (teriyaki quail) was the standout, but Joanne's vegetables suck. Joanne has decided to respond to the judges, rudely, because Joanne is RUDE. Callum's presentation was a total letdown. IT'S MASTERCHEF, may I remind you, NOT MASTERPLATEUP.
The dessert kicked ass, but Marion's dish lacked "zing and zip" and was the worst of the day - oh no, Marion! Marion was not happy with that dish, and at least she's being honest. The main dish was all gross and such, but we've heard it all before and I am over this now. Commerical break, of course.

***

Gary notifies us that there can only be one winner (thanks again there, Gary), and of course, it's the red team. Everyone on Twitter smashed their keyboard in frustration. Blue team is up for elimination. Everyone's sad. Everyone hates Joanne, excluding herself. The red team are told to enjoy their lunch, and they leave. Jonathan's ego has taken quite a blow. That was necessary, and beneficial.

Marion cries. If she goes home, 'twould suck. Claire's up for her first elimination, which is nice and fair. Claire's got nothing to go back home to, she tells her little sob story, no one is moved. Tomorrow, someone will go home in a taste test. As per usual, the shorts give the entire show away. Anyhow, better TV is on now. Excuse me.

Masterchef 13/6/10 - Twitter is down, WHAT DO I DO WITH MY LIFE?

And on Masterchef tonight, Twitter has decided to die on me. This is annoying, because I've become accustomed to my evenings watching Masterchef, following the feed on Twitter (because people who watch Masterchef are bloody hilarious, it turns out). Anyway, I've decided to do all my shiz over here, because the little "over capacity" whale refuses to disappear. This is going to be a giant post, don't say I didn't warn you. It may also contain genuine funniness, and overuse of the Caps lock key, and swearing, and whatever floats through my brain.

Anyway, tonight was a Julie Goodwin picked Mystery Box, containing a variety of ingredients! That is always a surprise. Marion's making dessert spring rolls, Callum's being "inspired" by Masterclass, whatever Joanne's making will surely be disgusting (as much as she is), other people have decided to make various kinds of food, Alvin is flustered, Jonathan is off being douchey in a corner (what a surprise). Alvin's dish is going to be spicy, much like his...commentary. After a rushed ten Masterchef seconds, we head to an ad break. Ad breaks are no fun without Twitter. What has the world come to?

***

People are standing at benches, Joanne looks like a really gross deer in headlights. Everyone's sweaty, only adding to my opinion that the level of hygiene on this show is not excellent. Alvin gets called up first with his "hodge podge" of a creation, and "hodge podge" is an excellent way of describing things. Matt describes Alvin's dish as "yum yuck", well done on your advanced vocabulary. Julie thinks his dish is beautiful. George is displeased with the level of chilli, but it's "pain that he loves". Obviously, he has a masochistic streak. He has "sweat beads of joy" too. This show doesn't get any better.

Marion's vegetable dessert is called up, and she smiles and is likable, which makes the audience uncomfortable - Masterchef contestants are not, as a rule, supposed to be likable. Matt calls the dish "great" and "classic Marion", and then says things which are so clearly euphamisms but I can't write them down here. Julie smiles Julie-ish-ly, and calls this dish beautiful as well. I think she needs to work on the vocabulary as well. No comment from Georgie.

Joanne wants to get picked, and doesn't. Makes her bitchface - easily confused with her normal face - when Callum gets picked. Julie tastes Callum's dish and calls it "delicious" and...wait for it...yep, there it is, it's a "beautiful dish". George asks Callum if he's happy, Callum is tempted to slap him. Callum and George riff about Callum's last crap dessert. Callum is a sensitive guy, and hurt by this, but George likes his dish tonight, so a sigh of relief can be breathed. Before the winner can be revealed, we ad break. I'd like less predictable ad breaks, please.

***

Marion wins. Twitter has returned to my life. Excellence. George is proud of Julie. Everyone loves Julie. Matthew speaks, so the audience doesn't forget he exists. Time for an invention test. Over to you, Twitter.

***

Update: Twitter is still not working so over to the "reinventing Australian classics" challenge. Marion has the power of choice, because free will is not an option in the Masterchef television. Her options are iced bobos, chiko rolls and OH MY GOSH GOLDEN GAYTIMES PLEASE PICK THE GOLDEN GAYTIMES. Instead, there's an excessively dramatic build up, and Marion picks the...chiko rolls. Callum is hurt inside. Matthew's never eaten a chiko roll in his life - me neither - and neither have many people in the Masterchef kitchen, particularly Joanne, becuase all her food was ethnic SHE'S LEBANESE IN CASE YOU FORGOT, ALSO TABOULI.
Alvin is flustered, Sharnee heads straight for the wine, Jonathan reaches for the eyeballs...oh wait, those are herbs. Still, Serial Killer roaming in the pantry. When time starts, ad breaks. Unfortunately, no one begins breakdancing. Masterchef is sadly lacking in breakdancing.

***

"This IS the invention test" - I love how people on Masterchef aren't afraid to spell out the bleeding obvious. Marion went with what was good for her, and is making...some form of deep fried crepe chiko roll. Inventive. Jonathan is going to "roll it, fry it, deep fry it" and you can be pretty sure he's talking about the bodies here, not the food. Callum's representing the "roll" idea with cylindrical shapes. He also wins with inventiveness, clearly. Gary thinks Callum's going bland, Callum nears tears.

George senses steamed buns, so obviously we're going to head over now to Alvin, who tells a fascinating anecdote that I don't care about. Unlike many others, Alvin is actually doing inventive. Sharnee is doing a fillet steak with potato etc cakes to represent the chiko roll. Gary pegs Marion, Alvin and Jonathan as the really successful ones in this test. Jonathan is taking an interesting approach on it, substituting beef with human liver. Adam is stir frying something. Not even the camera cares. Matthew is, like sharnee, deconstructing the chiko roll but Gary isn't getting that vibe. Gary's got his claws out tonight! I talk too much.

Everything's going wrong for Jonathan because the frying isn't working - apparently human body parts don't react too well in a frying pan. Some other stuff happens, and then we ad break.

***

Alvin is called up for tasting. He's really proud of it, my dad doesn't think it's a chiko roll. Gary calls it "fun". Masterchef is all about fun, clearly. George continues to demonstrate his lack of table manners.
Matthew is next up, please tell me he avoided pasta this time. Gary looks at his dish uneasily, and doesn't get the chiko roll connection. Matthew's fears are confirmed, and he sulks back to his bench.
Adam's up next, and his dish looks DIGUSTING, but Matt says it looks "impeccable" which shows what I know. The dish is apparently gross though.
Sharnee's deconstruction is being tasted, but my dad refuses to aknowledge it's chiko roll-ness, and is being very vocal about it. Gary likes it more than Matthew's but doesn't get the connection. Sharnee is indignant and bitchy.
Joanthan makes his use of human scalp obvious. George shakes his hand. Gary smiles in his adorable, pig-like way, and calls the dish "spot on". Oh hell, Jonathan's going to win, isn't he? Well that just throws my train of hatred off the rails. Smug Serial Killer is smug.
Marion is called up. Her dish is tasted. Geez, predictable much? George calls he a "legend", but doesn't bust out a Barney Stinson-esque "Legen...wait for it...dary", and he shakes her hand with fingers he's just licked. I kind of hate you, George.
Callum thinks he might be going home on the back of this dish. Callum is seriously going to go off into a corner and cry. Aww, shame. Where's Matthew to provide comfort? Oh, there he is, in for the lingering hug.

The top three dishes belong to Marion (surprise), Alvin (surprise), and Jonathan (MURDEROUS RAGE). And BLOODY HELL JONATHAN WON. He probably won out of fear - no one likes an angry serial killer.

Facing the pressure test will be Sharnee and the lovers - Callum and Matthew. Well, at least if Sharnee goes home absolutely no part of this show will change. Gary wants them to bring their "youthful exuberance" to the challenge, but he forgets that our generation can only think about a couple of things at once, and hence  they will leave their cooking ability at home.

Sorry about my going on. It's a weakness of mine.

Masterchef - Something You Oughta Get Used To

Confession time, for those who don't already know me: I am hopelessly, awfully pathetic. I am also an avid, nearly rabid, watcher of Masterchef, and an obsessive Twitterer (where the action's at). While those two things may sound completely unrelated, it's gotten to a point where the Masterchef feed on Twitter is the best thing about Masterchef, and I can't actually watch the show without cracking snarky little comments that make  no sense to those around me unless they know about my whole underground Twitter addiction.

So for the aid of anyone who wants to have a basic understanding of what I'm going on about when I watch Masterchef, what anything I'm saying means, or where exactly I stand in terms of this particular television show. So I bring forth my own interpretation of the Masterchef top ten, in order to aid and update.

For those who don't watch this hilariously terrible, yet secretly brilliant show, there are three types of contestants: Obnoxious, terrible people; obnoxious, ridiculously unimportant people; and obnoxious, yet somewhat likable people. For easy access, this will be split up into contestant by contestant, to keep things clear.

Claire - belongs to the middle-of-the-road group. Had a career as a lawyer, decided it wasn't her "passion" (key phrase in the Masterchef world), entered Masterchef as a last resort. Cries a lot, is a moderately okay chef, goes all smiley and humble when she wins something, as if she doesn't know that all the chef's harbour secret "passion" for her. I used to like her a lot, but she's done the opposite of grow on me, like one of those bad haircuts that only gets worse with length...or something, end analogy. She'll probably win.

Sharnee - some random. No one really knows why exactly she's there. In fact, I have no idea what her backstory is, or what she wants out of life, though I'm guessing she has a "passion" for cooking and wants to be a chef. Does anyone really know why she's there? She'll probably win.

Aaron - a prick who wears ridiculous beanies. That's pretty much all there is to it. Is a bit of an arrogant douche, with the "a bit" part being dispensable in that statement. Spends most of his time being "witty" and "passionate". Wears a beanie to disguise his hilariously douchey long hair. Cooks pretty well, can't make pastry for shit. I like him more than I did originally, but not a great deal - his douchey beanie-ness kind of cancels out any of that liking, and therefore, he'll probably win.

Jonathan - I am captain of the Anti-Jonathan movement. Most people hated him for a while, and then got over it, but my hatred remains and I constantly insist on finding small ways of justifying it ("Oh, did you see the way he narrowed his eyes at Sharnee when she suggested that? What a prick."). Seems to enjoy using organs in his recipes - I suspect he has serial killer tendencies. Needs to shave his awful, awful beard. Has an annoying habit of being good at elimination challenges, leaving a trail of destruction behind him. If he wins, all hell will break loose But he will probably win, because that's the nature of life.

Joanne - If there was ever a more hated contestant on any show than her (and I am including every crazy ex-bachelor, Evil Russell from survivor, any one of the obnoxious crazies from Fear Factor, all of the douchey bimbos from Amazing Race...), I would be surprised. She should refrain from speaking. She wears too much make up, reminds us constantly of her "passion" and her family and how much she wants this. In reality, she's just a horrible person, whose voice annoys me. I'm sure she's lovely in person, but...well, it doesn't translate one. She's highly likely to win.

Adam - I almost forgot him. Of the the long haired men, I like him better. A contestant I don't particularly care about, unlikely to win. Currently holds an immunity pin, which is ridiculous, and is essentially stolen from Survivor. Enjoys Japanese cooking. Fulfils yet another of the shows stereotypes. Stereotypes are fun, frolic.

Callum - appears to not have reached puberty, despite being, what, eighteen? General consensus of the Masterchef audience is his being in a relationship with fellow contestant Matthew, yet as of the moment there are no pervy fanfictions floating around on the internet - someone needs to get on this. Enjoys cooking "creative" dishes. Should avoid this. Is subtly likable, despite his lisp and overall annoying-ness. Or maybe it's just me, because I'm sick of hearing everyone go "Oh, I do this all because of my family, they're my inspiration, etc".

Matthew - Pretty much the same goes as the aforementioned. Has no hope of winning, purely because he's somewhat likable, easy to make fun of, and actually capable of cooking things that don't involve pasta - don't ask him to cook pasta if you enjoy having teeth, apparently. Is apparently "creative". Whatever. Looks a bit  like an alien. Someone should check that.

Alvin - Partial to shnazzy glasses and Asian dishes. Cries a lot, is probably missing his BFF Skye. Makes ridiculous comments, is the token gay competitor (and yet, people seem to skip this fact over for the Matthew/Callum shenanigans).

Marion - Has no hope in hell of winning, because she's the most likable of a largely unlikable bunch. See, she can actually cook. Well. Joanne must be so jealous. Seems genuinely happy a lot of the time, which is a nice change. Wears ridiculously large necklaces and is also a fan shnazzy glasses. Makes really odd food. The show really isn't about food anymore, is it?

The fact that I have no life is relatively evident, but hey - I do what I can.