Masterchef 13/6/10 - Twitter is down, WHAT DO I DO WITH MY LIFE?

And on Masterchef tonight, Twitter has decided to die on me. This is annoying, because I've become accustomed to my evenings watching Masterchef, following the feed on Twitter (because people who watch Masterchef are bloody hilarious, it turns out). Anyway, I've decided to do all my shiz over here, because the little "over capacity" whale refuses to disappear. This is going to be a giant post, don't say I didn't warn you. It may also contain genuine funniness, and overuse of the Caps lock key, and swearing, and whatever floats through my brain.

Anyway, tonight was a Julie Goodwin picked Mystery Box, containing a variety of ingredients! That is always a surprise. Marion's making dessert spring rolls, Callum's being "inspired" by Masterclass, whatever Joanne's making will surely be disgusting (as much as she is), other people have decided to make various kinds of food, Alvin is flustered, Jonathan is off being douchey in a corner (what a surprise). Alvin's dish is going to be spicy, much like his...commentary. After a rushed ten Masterchef seconds, we head to an ad break. Ad breaks are no fun without Twitter. What has the world come to?

***

People are standing at benches, Joanne looks like a really gross deer in headlights. Everyone's sweaty, only adding to my opinion that the level of hygiene on this show is not excellent. Alvin gets called up first with his "hodge podge" of a creation, and "hodge podge" is an excellent way of describing things. Matt describes Alvin's dish as "yum yuck", well done on your advanced vocabulary. Julie thinks his dish is beautiful. George is displeased with the level of chilli, but it's "pain that he loves". Obviously, he has a masochistic streak. He has "sweat beads of joy" too. This show doesn't get any better.

Marion's vegetable dessert is called up, and she smiles and is likable, which makes the audience uncomfortable - Masterchef contestants are not, as a rule, supposed to be likable. Matt calls the dish "great" and "classic Marion", and then says things which are so clearly euphamisms but I can't write them down here. Julie smiles Julie-ish-ly, and calls this dish beautiful as well. I think she needs to work on the vocabulary as well. No comment from Georgie.

Joanne wants to get picked, and doesn't. Makes her bitchface - easily confused with her normal face - when Callum gets picked. Julie tastes Callum's dish and calls it "delicious" and...wait for it...yep, there it is, it's a "beautiful dish". George asks Callum if he's happy, Callum is tempted to slap him. Callum and George riff about Callum's last crap dessert. Callum is a sensitive guy, and hurt by this, but George likes his dish tonight, so a sigh of relief can be breathed. Before the winner can be revealed, we ad break. I'd like less predictable ad breaks, please.

***

Marion wins. Twitter has returned to my life. Excellence. George is proud of Julie. Everyone loves Julie. Matthew speaks, so the audience doesn't forget he exists. Time for an invention test. Over to you, Twitter.

***

Update: Twitter is still not working so over to the "reinventing Australian classics" challenge. Marion has the power of choice, because free will is not an option in the Masterchef television. Her options are iced bobos, chiko rolls and OH MY GOSH GOLDEN GAYTIMES PLEASE PICK THE GOLDEN GAYTIMES. Instead, there's an excessively dramatic build up, and Marion picks the...chiko rolls. Callum is hurt inside. Matthew's never eaten a chiko roll in his life - me neither - and neither have many people in the Masterchef kitchen, particularly Joanne, becuase all her food was ethnic SHE'S LEBANESE IN CASE YOU FORGOT, ALSO TABOULI.
Alvin is flustered, Sharnee heads straight for the wine, Jonathan reaches for the eyeballs...oh wait, those are herbs. Still, Serial Killer roaming in the pantry. When time starts, ad breaks. Unfortunately, no one begins breakdancing. Masterchef is sadly lacking in breakdancing.

***

"This IS the invention test" - I love how people on Masterchef aren't afraid to spell out the bleeding obvious. Marion went with what was good for her, and is making...some form of deep fried crepe chiko roll. Inventive. Jonathan is going to "roll it, fry it, deep fry it" and you can be pretty sure he's talking about the bodies here, not the food. Callum's representing the "roll" idea with cylindrical shapes. He also wins with inventiveness, clearly. Gary thinks Callum's going bland, Callum nears tears.

George senses steamed buns, so obviously we're going to head over now to Alvin, who tells a fascinating anecdote that I don't care about. Unlike many others, Alvin is actually doing inventive. Sharnee is doing a fillet steak with potato etc cakes to represent the chiko roll. Gary pegs Marion, Alvin and Jonathan as the really successful ones in this test. Jonathan is taking an interesting approach on it, substituting beef with human liver. Adam is stir frying something. Not even the camera cares. Matthew is, like sharnee, deconstructing the chiko roll but Gary isn't getting that vibe. Gary's got his claws out tonight! I talk too much.

Everything's going wrong for Jonathan because the frying isn't working - apparently human body parts don't react too well in a frying pan. Some other stuff happens, and then we ad break.

***

Alvin is called up for tasting. He's really proud of it, my dad doesn't think it's a chiko roll. Gary calls it "fun". Masterchef is all about fun, clearly. George continues to demonstrate his lack of table manners.
Matthew is next up, please tell me he avoided pasta this time. Gary looks at his dish uneasily, and doesn't get the chiko roll connection. Matthew's fears are confirmed, and he sulks back to his bench.
Adam's up next, and his dish looks DIGUSTING, but Matt says it looks "impeccable" which shows what I know. The dish is apparently gross though.
Sharnee's deconstruction is being tasted, but my dad refuses to aknowledge it's chiko roll-ness, and is being very vocal about it. Gary likes it more than Matthew's but doesn't get the connection. Sharnee is indignant and bitchy.
Joanthan makes his use of human scalp obvious. George shakes his hand. Gary smiles in his adorable, pig-like way, and calls the dish "spot on". Oh hell, Jonathan's going to win, isn't he? Well that just throws my train of hatred off the rails. Smug Serial Killer is smug.
Marion is called up. Her dish is tasted. Geez, predictable much? George calls he a "legend", but doesn't bust out a Barney Stinson-esque "Legen...wait for it...dary", and he shakes her hand with fingers he's just licked. I kind of hate you, George.
Callum thinks he might be going home on the back of this dish. Callum is seriously going to go off into a corner and cry. Aww, shame. Where's Matthew to provide comfort? Oh, there he is, in for the lingering hug.

The top three dishes belong to Marion (surprise), Alvin (surprise), and Jonathan (MURDEROUS RAGE). And BLOODY HELL JONATHAN WON. He probably won out of fear - no one likes an angry serial killer.

Facing the pressure test will be Sharnee and the lovers - Callum and Matthew. Well, at least if Sharnee goes home absolutely no part of this show will change. Gary wants them to bring their "youthful exuberance" to the challenge, but he forgets that our generation can only think about a couple of things at once, and hence  they will leave their cooking ability at home.

Sorry about my going on. It's a weakness of mine.