Masterchef...if you were watching State of Origin on the 16/6

WARNING: Yet another excessively long post

It's Masterchef time, which sadly (in the case of others) clashes with State Of Origin - sorry if I'm not into witnessing my team fail pathetically. After than convinient recap of the entire game, thank you voiceover man, it's time for a team challenge, on a plane, and Jonathan's one team captain, in yet another pink shirt (a polo shirt this time, improvement?). He's decided to lead blue, and of course the first person he picks is Joanne - douchery will reign supreme.

Blue team: Jonathan, Callum, Adam, Alvin and Claire, Marion
Red team: Joanne, Aaron, Matthew, Adam

I don't want to root for either team, but I'm going to (as much as it kills me) have to go blue - purely because they've got Marion, and her chirpiness isn't annoying yet.. They both have crap leaders. I probably hate the about equally. So the challenge is they have to cook a three course menu for business class passengers on an A380 plane. Ohai Neil Perry! He's big on plane food, he cooks it heaps. He's talking, but it's boring, and advicey. He wants to make sure the presentation is beautiful, and the flavour is great - oh, because all of my plane food is IMMACULATELY prepared. Psht. Also, no knives on planes. Oh hey, they're also getting in the CEO of Qantas. Matt's talking. Matt's too cool for this show. Joanne has opted to wear an annoying scarf. Typical.

Joanne's thinking Asian. Jonathan's not thinking. That happens a lot. They're in the pantry, because they've planned their menus, and dear god, please don't forget ingredients this time. Seafood, on a plane? Okay. Also, Quail. Seriously? Call my unsophisticated, but I would NOT want to be on this flight. Except for those desserts. Gary's making terrible puns. Jonathan wants to change menu ideas, Marion thinks it's too late. Marion should be a team leader. We cut to an ad break, time to madly obsess on Twitter. You know, as I do.

***

Anyway, dusk has fallen. Someone in a red apron is holding pasta. Why do they show us this crap? Marion's explaining the process, and how the meals will be taken away in trolleys to be prepared. But will they be Coles trolleys, that is the question? Oooh, Matthew's making a chocolate macadamia fudge cake. I must eat now. Gary must be the person they employ strictly to make dodgy puns. Joanne's made up face is going to give me nightmares. She looks like an (uglier) porcelain doll. Both teams are making prawn entrees and Quail for mains. That's kind of ridiculous.

OH NO! NO FRESH HERBS ON THE PLANE! Oh wait, I thought something really dramatic had happened. Ha! Gary's expecting perfection, and so he should, because this IS Masterchef. Joanne's stressed. She's always stressed. The blue team appear to be slightly in control, which means they'll lose. Oh, Masterchef. People are slow, the red team have not packed. They kind of need to get this together. FIREBALL. Ad break. Shameless Masterchef tinted advertising begins.

***

More plating up. This is kind of dull. Matthew's cakes have caved in, and he worries that they won't hold up in transport. Whatever, it's chocolate. Chocolate always wins. Glad wrap paid a lot for that quick little shot. Alvin is all "OH MY GOD WE DID IT *SQEEE*" and the entire team breaks out into a mass choreographed number, but not really.

Anyway, it appears to be the next part now, and they are walking towards a massive, "monolithic" plane (thanks, there, Matthew). The itty bitty kitchen is adorable. Marion is disappointed with her dish. WHAT? They don't even have to put up with motion sickness? They serve it to the judges who are SITTING AT A TABLE? That's just made the entire episode kind of...redundant, no?

Gary thinks Marion's entree dish lacks crunch. Neil thinks it looks "claggy and furry" and "for lack of a better word". He should have said "words", and what the fuck is claggy? I think I nitpick too much. Matt thinks it doesn't pop. CEO thinks it's so-so. Neil Perry stays quiet now. That's nice.
Claire's main quail dish looks a bit "naked" as she puts it. Judging panel are not amused. The smell's good though, says CEO. Neil Perry chews thoughtfully. He thinks it smells better than it looks, and is disappointingly presented. Matt agrees. Gary is holding on for dessert with his fingers crossed. Please don't fail, team blue. I really hate Joanne.
I just really like fudge cake. CEO and Matt rave about Matthew's fudge cake, but they haven't even tasted it yet. Neil Perry claims that this might very well be their saviour. Matt is just a littble bit in love with this fudge cake. CEO says something, but I can't hear it over the annoyingness of his accent.

Over in red, now. Their poached prawns entree looks crap, and Joanne totally screwed up on the vegetables, which look completely unappetising. Chefs are picky. They liked the prawns, but they didn't looooove them. Also, Joanne's vegetables are almost as repulsive as her face (obligatory childish Joanne diss).
Teriyaki Quail meal time. Joanne thinks their dish is better than the blue team's. The chefs are excited by the meal. It does look kind of yummy. Neil Perry is in love, and thinks it's "damn delicious". CEO's lips are moving, but I'm not getting anything from it. It all comes down the dessert, says Matt, and continues to state the bleeding obvious.
Callum's dish looks "dodgy as", which is another reason I'm not on Masterchef (again, there's also the "bad at cooking" thing). Apparently these are Quinelles. Neil asked a question and I didn't hear it because my dad responded "BECAUSE THEY'RE WANKERS". Neil is dissatisfied with the presentation, but apparently it tastes nice, says Gary. CEO disagrees. Joanne, Mother, NSW, is happy with what they put up.

Apparently this is pretty close. Hahahahahahahaha. Blue are going to lose, which sucks, because Joanne will be here forever. I swear, we'll never get rid of her. Jonathan, who has changed into his OTHER pink shirt, does not want to face elimination yet again. Adam's dish (teriyaki quail) was the standout, but Joanne's vegetables suck. Joanne has decided to respond to the judges, rudely, because Joanne is RUDE. Callum's presentation was a total letdown. IT'S MASTERCHEF, may I remind you, NOT MASTERPLATEUP.
The dessert kicked ass, but Marion's dish lacked "zing and zip" and was the worst of the day - oh no, Marion! Marion was not happy with that dish, and at least she's being honest. The main dish was all gross and such, but we've heard it all before and I am over this now. Commerical break, of course.

***

Gary notifies us that there can only be one winner (thanks again there, Gary), and of course, it's the red team. Everyone on Twitter smashed their keyboard in frustration. Blue team is up for elimination. Everyone's sad. Everyone hates Joanne, excluding herself. The red team are told to enjoy their lunch, and they leave. Jonathan's ego has taken quite a blow. That was necessary, and beneficial.

Marion cries. If she goes home, 'twould suck. Claire's up for her first elimination, which is nice and fair. Claire's got nothing to go back home to, she tells her little sob story, no one is moved. Tomorrow, someone will go home in a taste test. As per usual, the shorts give the entire show away. Anyhow, better TV is on now. Excuse me.